Sunday, January 5, 2014

Something New.

I just made this executive decision that I will start writing again. So I pull open my dusty lap top and try to remember my log in password and finally, finally, open this page. And I can't seem to think of anything to say. This is strange, considering I usually have something to say in any situation. 

So I guess I'll start where I left off.

I started the summer in the sweaty south: Fayetteville, Arkansas. When we moved here, after the mayhem and debauchery that was EDC in Las Vegas. I arrived thinking it was my summer that there was really everything in front of me and nothing would suck. 

[Note: I say "suck" for a reason. Not that Toronto sucked by any means, it was my favorite place I've lived so far. I say suck because I've had hard times adjusting to new places before and I think I anticipate it sucking.]

I really did show up in Fayetteville with a lot more positive energy then I have had in the past. It was nice that we knew some people and that helped ease us into a social scene. After a few excruciating weeks living in a hotel (due to the fact that our relocation company were the worst people at their jobs...I mean truly who goes on vacation and "forgets" to have crates from Toronto and New Haven shipped??) we moved into our new apartment on my 25th birthday. A few days later, I started my new job at a local credit card company working in their legal department. It seemed that things were getting off on a great foot!

As time passes, as you settle into a new life, things start to straighten themselves out. It's not that I am not enjoying myself here in Northwest Arkansas, because I've had worse times elsewhere. It's just that I've come to the conclusion that this isn't the place where I'd want to spend the rest of my life. I miss the looming of big buildings, the hum of traffic, the proximity of things that allows one to walk, the amount of activities at all hours of the day and night. There are nice things about living in the south, there really are. But for me, there aren't enough.

Christmas came and went, New Years followed suite. It was amazing to see my family again, to reconnect with them. I felt more mature this year. I felt like I've come a long way from last year. Then a week in Columbus showed me that everyone is growing up, planning future and getting ready for what happens next. At midnight, we rang in a fresh new year.

Now I'm here, back from vacation, waiting to start work again tomorrow and I'm fighting between feeling really great about everything and having a full blown panic attack. There are a few resolutions that I'm excited about, including eating clean again with paleo. I'm excited to feel good inside and look good outside. It will take some time and work, moving every summer will do that to you. You pack on the pound in a new place, trying new foods, drinking a lot to meet new friends. It all adds up and by the time Christmas rolls around, you're a lot bigger then you planned to be. But I think paleo will be a great decision for me, and for Jacob.

With work, I'm anxious that I'm waisting my time. It's not that the job isn't good, it's a very interesting job with some nice people and it pays my bills. I just always seem to fight between maintaining a good job that will help me be financially stable and doing something that I love. I want to be a creative type, using my mind and talents to make things. But right now I sit in a desk 40 hours a week and end up feelings the worse for it. All that aside, I think I'll stick it out and learn what I can about myself and my abilities. After all, it's not for the rest of my life and I'll probably never see any of these people again. Weird, right?

So on the eve of my 2014, I'm sitting here trying to decide whether to be positive or anxious. I think I've come a long way, too long, to wake up tomorrow afraid of what's going to happen. I think it'll be good. 

I think it'll be good.

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