I am the Mist.

I know it's been a reoccurring post here on my ol' bloggy, but it's a reoccurring theme in my life as of late. The constant battle to feel comfortable.

This past weekend I was sitting in the back row at a theater watching the dancers from ADA, the studio I work for, compete in their first competition of the year. I sat there for a good hour, just by myself. I didn't mind, I really enjoying dancing, especially young dancers because I think they have so much potential and it's refreshing to see young people dedicated and putting their whole life into something. 

After a while, I realized something. As long as I sit here, nobody will know I'm here. The people shuffling in and out of the theater, they'd look at me but nobody knew me, nobody really knew I was there. To them, I'm a stranger, they don't care. But then again, to this entire city, I'm a stranger. I'm stuck in this stranger's skin.

Courtesy of Jartweb.

The day before this moment, a co-worker turned to me and laughed. She said that if she didn't have to be at the competition, she wouldn't be and here I am, voluntarily at the competition being supportive of everyone and enjoying myself. That's when I realized that I'm only a fleeting moment in these peoples' lives. In three years, they won't remember me but forever, this will be a huge part of my life. I will forever remember Toronto in fondness because I found people that made me feel accepted. But, with no negative feelings towards anyone I'm referencing, I'm like a sliver to them: stuck in the shallow folds of their skin but will soon be plucked out and forgotten about. And that made me feel truly like a wallflower (and you know my obsession with The Perks of Being a Wallflower), the word just seems to fit me. 

But it's not all bad. Over the past few years, I've become this observer. I stand off to the sit, occasionally stepping into the circle, but essentially I just observe people. I get to know names and families and personalities. I catch bits and pieces of their lives and form a whole story based on what I observe. In my mind, these people are quite real. They go to school, go to work, have friends and relationships and it's all in my mind. I live in half and half: half imaginary and half reality. If I ever do become a fiction writer, I'll sure have some good material for characters.

Maybe that's just what I'm destined to be: the Observer. Like an official career title, I'll go through life, effecting little and observing a lot. Then, when it's time, I'll document all my stories in a historical fiction kind of way, maybe a memoir (if my life is ever important enough to record). And all my characters will be based upon the people whom I have met along the way and who have changed me, even if they don't know they have or don't care that they have.

It comes this time of year, when I start becoming nostalgic and emotional. It's time to start thinking about moving, it's time to start moving parts of me while other parts want to hold onto what I have here. But the reality is is that it's time to start mentally packing, to start distancing myself and preparing to be in a strange place again. 

I see myself like a mist in the fall. It creeps in, coating everything in a blanket of distortion. Then once the sun comes up, I dissipate. You'll remember me as something that was there for a fleeting moment and now is gone.

Spring has Sprung

Well it's officially Spring time. And besides the snow blizzard yesterday morning, it's actually starting to look like Spring around here. Sure, there's snow and ice everywhere still but if you look up into the sky, you see blue and sunshine.

This weekend is my studio's first competition. I'm excited to attend my first competition and support the girls (and boy). They've been working so hard. It's going to be a whole other universe then I'm use to. I'm excited to feel like I belong somewhere.

It's also around the time where I start looking for a new job again. I've pulled out the ol' resume (which isn't so ol' as I've updated it more times this year then I know what to do with) and dusted it off. I've made a list of all the job websites and companies I'm interested in in Arkansas and am hoping for the best. Send me your good thoughts?

I'm having good feelings about this move. I'm really excited to experience a part of the country that I've never been to before. I'm looking forward to warmer weather and exploring a culture I know nothing about. I think a good feeling about finding a job there and if that doesn't pan out, I have back up plans. 

But moving isn't the only thing I'm looking forward to in the next 6 months! My best friend is coming to visit in May (AHHHH!) and it's also my boyfriend's birthday in May (as well as my momma!). In June, Jake and I along with some close friends, are heading to Las Vegas to check out Electronic Daisy Carnival for the first time! I'm so excited, SO EXCITED. Then we move in July! Holy cow.

What are you looking forward to in the next 6 months?

The 'Ships.

I think I should write a book about the 'ships. Not just relationships. Not just friendships. Both. The 'ships. And not because I'm spectacularly good at them, but I could at least write a book about what not to do because I've made a lot of mistakes in my [almost] 25 short years. 

I think a lot about regret. When I'm 40 , will I look back and regret anything or wish I did things different? I've been thinking about it a lot this week. My best friend from college is going through a very rough patch, something I can't begin to understand, and it's made a part of my heart ache. That ache has woken a part of me from this weird numb slumber.

So this week I've been reflecting on the 'ships. I've been thinking what the 'ships means to me and what 'ships I have left.

I say 'left' for this reason: 2 years ago I made the conscious decision to change my life. I decided that I wanted to follow Jake in his pursuit of a career in hope that I would also find mine. As a result, a recently noticed result, I gave up a lot of friendships. I didn't intentionally give up on them, I don't even think give up is the appropriate word but as a result of me being so caught up in the excitement of being in a new place and the selfishness of being caught up in my life, I forgot to nurture the relationships with those I cared about. 



Boston Public Library.

Now I find myself a stranger looking in on the lives of those who I was a part of for a long time. And it's a very strange feeling. And I'm kind of suffering because of it.

As cliche as it is, a relationship (whether it be friend or romantic) is exactly like a ship. You begin a relationship with excitement and anticipation just as you board a ship looking forward to your journey. You could be lucky and sail smoothly around, enjoying the sunshine and good times. Or you could encounter choppy water, a storm or sharks. Then you dock, you come to the end of the journey, whether you realize it or not. Maybe some of my ships has docked and I'm just not ready to get off the boat.

This will never mean that that particular journey wasn't worth the trip or the time. This will never mean that you will forget that ship, the lessons, the memories. This just means that it's time to find a new voyage.

I'm a firm believer in fate, destiny, karma also. I think we meet people for a reason. I think we are meant to take something away from their spirit and carry it with us. Thinking back through my important 'ships, I've learned a specific thing from each person. I've learned it's okay to be a romantic. I've learned that I can do better things then I give myself credit for. I've learned not to put a romantic relationship ahead of friendship, especially if the guy is an obvious loser. I've learned to let my pride go when appropriate. I've learned how not to judge people. I've learned to listen first and talk later.

As cliche as it is, a relationship is exactly like a ship. So does this mean I can climb back on board, even to those ships I neglected, grab some paddles and work my way to sail again? Or are some ships meant to never sail again?



 

Future.

Since I moved away from home in the summer of 2011, I've been having a really hard time adjusting to life. Adjusting to new places, new people and most of all, starting over all the time. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I never imagined it would be this difficult.

Christmas Joy.

But, I'm glad to report, that it's slowly getting easier. 

Yesterday I finished my first real internship at Post City Magazine. For three months, I was pulling double duty, working at the magazine in the morning then going to work at night. Besides being completely exhausted (so much so for the last week I kept sleeping through my work out alarm!), I actually started to grow more and more excited about the future. 

I've started feeling more confident about myself. Now I know what I am capable of, I feel more confident to head into the world and actually start developing my own career as a writer.

Over the past two weeks or so, I've been e-mailing a friend and former college editor about life. I always looked up to him because he is so talented and someone who's opinion a really trusted.  I asked him what I should do next, where should I go from here, how do I transition from this internship to life. And after a few e-mails, he pointed something out that made me have a light bulb moment. 

I'm having a hard time narrowing down a career because I just have too many ideas. 

At first I considered this a potentially bad thing. But over the past few days, I think I'm going to be okay. I like that I have many idea on what I want to do with my life. I like that I have so many options for my future, as long as I'm proactive with them. 

I'm going to spend the rest of my time here in Toronto participating in internships in different fields, working on narrowing down what I love to do. I'm going to build an sturdy portfolio, gain a lot of experience and go into my next move prepared for the future. 

I'm feeling really good about life right now. Maybe it's the sudden bank of free time. Maybe it's the Christmas mug I'm drinking coffee out of it. Maybe it's the less then two week countdown I have going for Christmas vacation. But maybe I am just, finally, finding myself.

Bookcase.

While I think technology is ruining the world, I'm still holding onto books. I refuse to admit that there is anything better then lovely thick pieces of paper, printed with ink and bound together. I love everything about books, especially old books. I love the smell of old books.

Amazing.

I was having a conversation today with a coworker about books. I don't think I will ever succumb to a Kindle or iPad for reading. I don't think I could do that. I need to hold the book. I love to dog ear the pages and crack the spines. Searching for where you left off is part of the magic of reading! If it's a book I particularly love, I'll even highlight passages I like. You can't do that with a Kindle.

When I grow up and have a house of my own, I want a large bookcase. Preferably, I'd have a library with shelves and shelves and shelves, plenty of room to store my babies.

I like to think I have a solid collection of books for my age, but I can't wait to expand it. I have a very extensive cook book collection, thank you to my wonderful grandmother who usually includes at least one cook book at each gift giving event. And I welcome them all with open arms. I think I've tried at least once recipe from each book, except maybe the fine French cuisine but it's on my to do list! I actually miss them, my cook books. I used to go to them for everything but now that they're in storage, I have to refer to the Internet *shudder*.

But I'm constantly having this inner battle with myself about the library. I loved the library when I was a kid. It allowed me access to any book I could literally think of and I read a lot when I was a kid. But now, like, I want a library card but I don't see the point, since I'm a book whore...er...hoarder, I don't want to rent the book, read it, then buy it. I want to straight up buy it. Luckily, however, I am the book buyer that actually rereads books! I think if I didn't then I'd have a problem but I have some books that I've read three or four times! That's the best part about owning books, honestly.

I hope that books stay around forever. As my internship ends, I plan on treating myself to some new books. Well, technically old books. There's a store here called The Monkey's Paw that I want to visit. It's a used book store but it has some really strange books. They also have a book vending machine. That's right. You'll just have to wait to see pictures!

Finding Balance.

When did living become something other then doing what you need to to survive, and enjoying the rest of your time. When did it become about money, jobs and 'doing something' with your life? I'm being totally serious, too!



Balance.

I'm sitting here, Wednesday afternoon, when I should be at my internship (if anyone from the office is reading this, I'm having a moment of profound creativity and I'm rolling with it...how often does something creative actually happen naturally anyway?) and I'm worrying. I'm worrying that someone is going to be mad at me for being late, I'm worried that I'm not going to get my interview done with enough time to finish the article today. I seem to just have this deep pit of worry that I'm doing something wrong, but do I actually have something to worry about?

Then there's this other side of me, the side that gets pushed down until Saturday afternoon, when work is all done for the week and it's time to be free. This side of me wants to explore my new city (I say new yet I've been here for three months already and have explored about 1/16 of the city), explore the parts I've been too busy and broke to do. I want to get a chai latte and sit in a cafe, listening to the chatter around me and take in all the delicious smells. I want to find a park and collect turning leaves. I want to just walk, with no destination and no rush, jsut walk. But there isn't time for this. I have to work.

So I'm caught in this strange place. Somewhere between wanting to 'do something' with my life and wanting to just be in my life. Three weeks has passed and I don't even remember what the weather was like. It's so just like me to go from almost never working and being 'bored' to working so much I don't have time to look outside. 

I just don't know how to balance working and being alive. I have yet to encounter a culture where there is an equal balance. Maybe a culture like that doesn't exist in North America. maybe I need to travel somewhere in Europe or South America or Australia, where they value down time as highly as they do work time. 

I want to work to live, not live to work. And at this rate, I feel like I'm just...working. Working and not living. Not that I'm complaining, I'm very lucky to have my internship and my job, I just can't wait for the time in my life where I'm completely satisfied, doing something I love and enjoying my time. I'm taking steps towards that, with this internship I'm learning a lot about journalism, blogging and what it takes to run a magazine. I'm learning a lot about my writing style and my writing personality. I'm also learning a lot about my life choices, where I want my life to go. So don't get me wrong, I'm certainly learning. 

I'm just looking forward to knowing. Knowing what I'm good at, knowing what I can achieve. Knowing where I can draw the lines and where I have to accept any and all invitations. Knowing where my life is headed. I'm getting there, however. I just hope I find the balance.