When did living become something other then doing what you need to to survive, and enjoying the rest of your time. When did it become about money, jobs and 'doing something' with your life? I'm being totally serious, too!
I'm sitting here, Wednesday afternoon, when I should be at my internship (if anyone from the office is reading this, I'm having a moment of profound creativity and I'm rolling with it...how often does something creative actually happen naturally anyway?) and I'm worrying. I'm worrying that someone is going to be mad at me for being late, I'm worried that I'm not going to get my interview done with enough time to finish the article today. I seem to just have this deep pit of worry that I'm doing something wrong, but do I actually have something to worry about?
Then there's this other side of me, the side that gets pushed down until Saturday afternoon, when work is all done for the week and it's time to be free. This side of me wants to explore my new city (I say new yet I've been here for three months already and have explored about 1/16 of the city), explore the parts I've been too busy and broke to do. I want to get a chai latte and sit in a cafe, listening to the chatter around me and take in all the delicious smells. I want to find a park and collect turning leaves. I want to just walk, with no destination and no rush, jsut walk. But there isn't time for this. I have to work.
So I'm caught in this strange place. Somewhere between wanting to 'do something' with my life and wanting to just be in my life. Three weeks has passed and I don't even remember what the weather was like. It's so just like me to go from almost never working and being 'bored' to working so much I don't have time to look outside.
I just don't know how to balance working and being alive. I have yet to encounter a culture where there is an equal balance. Maybe a culture like that doesn't exist in North America. maybe I need to travel somewhere in Europe or South America or Australia, where they value down time as highly as they do work time.
I want to work to live, not live to work. And at this rate, I feel like I'm just...working. Working and not living. Not that I'm complaining, I'm very lucky to have my internship and my job, I just can't wait for the time in my life where I'm completely satisfied, doing something I love and enjoying my time. I'm taking steps towards that, with this internship I'm learning a lot about journalism, blogging and what it takes to run a magazine. I'm learning a lot about my writing style and my writing personality. I'm also learning a lot about my life choices, where I want my life to go. So don't get me wrong, I'm certainly learning.
I'm just looking forward to knowing. Knowing what I'm good at, knowing what I can achieve. Knowing where I can draw the lines and where I have to accept any and all invitations. Knowing where my life is headed. I'm getting there, however. I just hope I find the balance.