Monday, April 29, 2013

Ruby Sparks.

I just watched a movie called Ruby Sparks. It was a really beautiful story that struck home. It was about a young writer who imagines this girl, Ruby Sparks. But she is suddenly real, everyone can see her and talk to her but she came strictly from his mind. 

It's an interesting story and I enjoyed watching it play out. It's on Netflix, so go watch it :) 

The reason I bring this to you is because I think I found my new hair style. In August, for my 25th birthday, I want to cut my hair. I haven't had my hair shorter then my shoulders since I think high school? Well there was the one time my bestie and I got drunk and cut my hair off in my dorm room freshman year but I try to block that out.

Anyway, I think I like this style for me:

What do you think?

Friday, April 26, 2013

60 Days.

Today marks 60 days eating the paleo diet. I can't believe it's been 2 months! It's really exciting to accomplish something like this. It also marks 60 days that I've been working out 4-6 days a week. I'm feeling decently about myself lately, which is an improvement believe me. 
Paleo= lots of avocado!

I enjoy paleo because I do well with challenges. I originally was skeptical about this. I thought "this is exactly like the no carb diet we tried a year ago and failed," but it's turned out to be different. I'm so much more aware of what I put in my body now. Everything I eat takes time to prepare. I snack less and consume more fresh foods. I'm okay with it.

May is the last whole month before Vegas (I'll have part of June as well). For the month of May, I'm stepping up my game. I want to cut out fruit and treats. I eat a lot of fruit but I know it contains a lot of sugar. I like paleo treats, like muffins, pancakes and mug cakes, because it satisfies my sweet tooth. Jake and I are going to work out together, which will provide that much more motivation.

I really, really want to step up my game. I haven't drastically lost weight with this diet and I'm okay with that. I've found it's been more therapeutic then anything else. Plotting what to put in my body, looking at food more as fuel rather then just food, knowing that I'm only putting good things in my body. I have days where I get upset because I'm not rail thin *yet* not that I really want to be then I remember to myself that this takes time and doing my best each day will get me there faster. I do the extra ten squats or 5 minutes on the bike/treadmill/elliptical. Because in all reality, only I can measure my success. 

No more muffins!
Even if they are delicious!
I came to the realization that I'm actually fine with my size. I am 5'11" and a size 12 I think I'd be okay to reach a size 10 again, however, that it a remaining goal. I haven't weighed myself since the very beginning and I don't know if I want to. I think I want to wait. So far I've been going off of how my clothing fits. I think maybe I'll weigh myself right before Vegas, when I've reached the end of the challenge period. I also want to weigh myself before and after Vegas to see if I lose weight while I'm there due to the three all night dance parties I'm about to attend

But before I enter the home stretch, I am going to celebrate. This Saturday is out 60 day cheat day. Am I excited about eating some junk food? Yes! But I'm going to have a better approach then I did last time. I'm going to take it slowly and try not to over due it. But I do know what I want to eat this Saturday:

1. Chips: chips have always been my favorite foods. I want Salt and Pepper Kettle chips.
2. Pizza: I'm a pizza whore. I love pizza, I love cheese and bread and tomato sauce. But maybe I'll go for just a slice this time and not..the...whole...thing...
3. A Bagel: On my way to work, I'm going to get a celebratory bagel. They were always my favorite breakfast foods! And I'm going to enjoy it! Maybe with some light cream cheese.
4. Frozen Yogurt: I think I will top off my day with a cup of frozen yogurt. It's my favorite and while we did try coconut ice cream, nothing will ever replace froyo.
5. Beer: If the weather is nice, I want to find a patio and drink a beer on it. I am such a beer drinker that it's killing me not to have any. 

In the end, I'm proud of myself. It's the small wins that lead to big success and I'm going to take this small win.

Be sure to check out From My Kitchen, With Love for all the great paleo recipes I've been trying! 

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Freya Lately.

Lately has been a blur of unknown, of confusion. I've had a headache that has plagued me for days. Maybe a tension headache. Maybe a future headache.

If I lay here, if I just lay here...
Everything seems a bit misplaced at the moment. I can't seem to find that sock, my belt, where I left my pen. My brain has obviously taken a vacation. I sit at work, staring into space, wondering where I left off. I forget things, postpone things, shy away from things. This isn't quite like me.

Understandably, it's that time for change again. To dig up my delicate roots just as they've started grasping their surroundings. I feel like a banana, my bruises are starting to show as my soft insides weaken. 

Nothing tastes right and for the first time in a long time, food isn't interesting. I don't know what's fueling my body, keeping me going, but it seems to be enough for now. 

As the sun comes out more, I find I'm going deeper into myself. I think I'll come out when I feel better. 

I pull myself from my dreams each morning, vivid dreams, complicated dreams. Find that I'm nestled between pillow upon pillow and under blanket upon blanket. Digging yourself from dreams is difficult when you don't want to come back. Perpetually tired, yawning, sleepy. Perpetually blue, gray, white, black. Trying to scrape the sleep away.

But there are moments that are like lightening striking the cloud away. There is a moment of motivation, of creativity. But it's bogged down again, by time and prior commitments. I long for a quiet place with nothing more then a soft bed, decent coffee maker, white curtains and my old typewriter [which is sadly locked up solitary]. I miss the familiar hammering of the keys and the small winning dig from a finished line of words.

Small wins. I'm counting them, like stars at night or alarms to wake up rather then sheep to fall asleep. I'm counting small wins on one hand, using the other to stabilize. Baby steps and small wins. 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013


Life lately has been...spinning. 
Not spinning fast, not so bad that I can't recognize it. 
But spinning enough to blur the corners and smudge some lines.

Shame that those lines are the important ones.

[Photo: SincerelyHiten]

Saturday, April 13, 2013

The Joy Formidable

Last night, Jake and I saw The Joy Formidable at The Phoenix here in Toronto. The Joy Formidable is a Welsh alternative rock band. And do they put on a show! The three of them put on quite the show.

I am now a huge fan of The Joy Formidable. Lead singer Ritzy is so adorable and petite then she just rips her guitar. There were moments when I thought he bassist Rhydian was going to tear apart the stage (and during the last song, he threw his guitar and crowd surfed then moshed at the front for a few counts of 8!) and drummer Matthew was spectacular to watch.  

This was absolutely worth the $18.50 I paid for the tickets. 

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Beautiful Creatures.

Last week, I finished a book series that I absolutely adored. 

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, The Girl Who Played with Fire and The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest. That was some brilliant crime writing and such a captivating story. While the first book was amazing, the second I think was my favorite. The third, obvio, was really good but it went really deep and took a lot of concentrating to get through. However, I do feel satisfied even though it's over, and that's a rare feeling. Usually I feel sad, lost and lonely.

Last Thursday, a student at the dance studio where I work brought me a series to read: Beautiful Creatures. I started reading it on Sunday and am almost done with the first book. It's a really easy read and actually really captivating. Naturally, it has my three vices: magic, tragic love and high school.  

But I think the writing goes a little deeper in places. Reading a chapter (one of many, I stayed up way too late!), it seemed that the writers touched on a subject greater then two teenagers and their forbidden love (and magic, of course). The town in which this story is set is deeply afraid and prejudiced against anyone and anything "different." Maybe it's just where our society is at the moment but I thought this was a really interesting theme of the book. These towns people will go to any length to force a new person, someone who makes them uncomfortable, from their town. 

I'm just getting into the book but I'm hoping to start noticing more deeper themes. I think it has potential. When I'm finished, which I project will be in a month if  spend a week on each book, I'll let you know!

Has anyone read this series?

Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Willy Wonka

I'm a huge meme fan. I think they are f-ing hilarious. I especially think that the Willy Wonka meme is hilarious. I found this meme the other day somewhere I had to share with my bloggy friends! 

Monday, April 1, 2013


Watching a plane in the sky, there’s nothing more liberating. It flies off into the world, taking people to random places so they can travel, move, lay over, visit family, anything. These massive metal structures can fucking fly, and I’m sitting here feeling the impossible. As the bird gets smaller in the sky, there’s nothing to stop me watching it crash down, come hurtling out of the blue.

These visions are becoming more prominent. It’s not like the Final Destination bullshit where one kids sees his death and thus prevents everyone else around him from being killed by a pipe or a tanning bed. That’s stupid. I find my brain jumps to a special effects reel 90% of the time. Cars crash, people are hurt, buildings fall over, and bridges give out, boats sink, all in my mind. 

I live in a 24-story building about half way up. As my elevator climbs 11 stories to take me to the gym, I wonder when the day will come that the elevator wires will snap sending me, screaming, hurtling into the ground, through the lobby floor and into the parking garage. The odds of someone dying in an elevator accident is 1 in 10,440,000. Fucking splatter on the ground. Looking out the window on the 22nd floor, I feel the building swaying in the wind, bending and bending until it snaps. I imagine clinging to the railings and window frames but eventually I have to let go. Fucking splatter on the ground. 

It’s not just airplanes and elevators, although those things are freaks of nature and gravity-defying beyond my physical comprehension. We shouldn't be able to defy gravity, but that’s another issue. It started in a car. It’s always worse in the car. The brakes lights, swerving, traffic, it has buried itself in my brain and I can’t get it out. Driving in the city is fine, lots of stops and controlled driving. The highway is a long, gray path to imminent death, I’m sure of it.

It’s funny how scary things aren't very scary in the day light It’s like the sun chases away the monsters. But in cars, it’s the opposite, day light allows people to see farther and take more risks. I find my palms wet in cars, sweaty from pressing them together between my legs. Sometimes I dig my nails into my hands to focus on something besides the life-shredding concrete outside.  I've mostly managed to keep my gasping under control, I guess it distracts him from the actual driving because he thinks something is wrong. But something is wrong, we’re going to crash and I can’t stop seeing it in my mind, playing it over and over in my mind. The odds of someone dying in a car accident are 1 in 73.89. It’s not splatter into the ground, it’s skin tearing, organ piercing, skidding, mangling, shredding into darkness.

I had a panic attached in the subway, that’s when I realized I may be developing an actual anxiety towards modes of transportation and heights. We were just sitting there, in the subway tunnel. I was engrossed in a book at the time so I didn’t notice just how long. I looked out the window, which exists in subways for an unknown reason to me, and all I could see was concrete walls. Dark walls, rough walls, no room to fit between the wall and the subway car, it was just inches from the window.  Then I noticed just how small the space was.

I imagined another subway train, like a long silver bullet, smashing into the back of us, sending our cars hurtling into the back of another train. The metals would collide, sending that unbearable metal crunching into my bones. In those tubes in the ground, there’s nowhere to go. How would I get out? I imagine scrambling over broken doors and people, pushing myself to find a way out, to live. 

As my breathes quicken and my heart races, the train starts moving. 

I’m okay.