Thursday, April 18, 2013

Freya Lately.

Lately has been a blur of unknown, of confusion. I've had a headache that has plagued me for days. Maybe a tension headache. Maybe a future headache.

If I lay here, if I just lay here...
Everything seems a bit misplaced at the moment. I can't seem to find that sock, my belt, where I left my pen. My brain has obviously taken a vacation. I sit at work, staring into space, wondering where I left off. I forget things, postpone things, shy away from things. This isn't quite like me.

Understandably, it's that time for change again. To dig up my delicate roots just as they've started grasping their surroundings. I feel like a banana, my bruises are starting to show as my soft insides weaken. 

Nothing tastes right and for the first time in a long time, food isn't interesting. I don't know what's fueling my body, keeping me going, but it seems to be enough for now. 

As the sun comes out more, I find I'm going deeper into myself. I think I'll come out when I feel better. 

I pull myself from my dreams each morning, vivid dreams, complicated dreams. Find that I'm nestled between pillow upon pillow and under blanket upon blanket. Digging yourself from dreams is difficult when you don't want to come back. Perpetually tired, yawning, sleepy. Perpetually blue, gray, white, black. Trying to scrape the sleep away.

But there are moments that are like lightening striking the cloud away. There is a moment of motivation, of creativity. But it's bogged down again, by time and prior commitments. I long for a quiet place with nothing more then a soft bed, decent coffee maker, white curtains and my old typewriter [which is sadly locked up solitary]. I miss the familiar hammering of the keys and the small winning dig from a finished line of words.

Small wins. I'm counting them, like stars at night or alarms to wake up rather then sheep to fall asleep. I'm counting small wins on one hand, using the other to stabilize. Baby steps and small wins. 


  1. This was written beautifully, but it makes me sad. I know those feelings all too well.

    p.s. Oregon needs and misses you! She told me. :)

    1. Thank you!!! These feelings are difficult to deal with most of the time. :-/ I'm really trying to come back, I want to float the river and hang out with people :)

  2. I also understand that feeling and have been in a similar boat lately. You'd think with the coming of spring that it'd wash all that gray away, but sometimes it's a battle within ourselves more than our exterior influences. When I have a week like this, I allow a bit of babying. Buy myself my favorite tea, chocolate, and book and just feel it all. I always hope that if I feel it all in one go, myself I'll move past it sooner.
    Keep your head high and do something fun for yourself. This too shall pass. :)

    1. HELLO!!!! Thanks for your comment :) I'm really working on my emotions and how to control them. I'm tired of living in the past, wish I was somewhere because I miss the familiar and the comfortable. I don't want to wake up in 2 years and regret no totally enjoying my time where I am. I hope to figure it out soon!

  3. The topic isn't beautiful but I still enjoy how well you write and how creative you are with expressing your feelings.