With Your Head Down.

Over the past few and a bit, I enjoy my walks. Whether it was walking to work in New Haven or walking to the subway now, I enjoy moving at a slower pace. It gives me more time to look around and take things in. I've also noticed that it allows me to observe more of my surroundings and get to know where I am better.

It wasn't until the other day, however, that I noticed a trend.

When I'm walking somewhere new, down a new street or taking a new way to work, or even on a stroll with Jake, I'm always looking up. I like to look at things around me and people around me as best I can. But the occasions where I'm walking somewhere familiar, I walk with my head down. And not just looking down. I've noticed that I walk with my head hanging down.

After a little reading on the subject, I've learned that my head down means I have self confidence issues and don't want to be looked at. Interestingly enough, both of those are true. While I'm slowly getting more comfortable with myself and accepting me for who I am, I still face self confidence issues and no, I don't really like to be looked at.

Another article says that walking with you hands in your pockets could mean you are unhappy with how you look and, combined with your head downs, means you're unhappy. I walk like this frequently. I put my hands in my pockets because it's cold, or so I thought. Could this mean that subconsciously I'm more unhappy that I know?

Today, I was walking down the long hallway at work back to my desk and I noticed that I was passing people and 99% of the time I have my head down. I started making the conscious effort to have my head up, smile and look at people more. I'm such a social being. I thrive on being social and having friends. Has the past year and a bit or moving a lot and being in places where I don't know people turned me into a recluse?

How do you walk? What do you think it says about you??

Starting on the Left Foot.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my body. Thinking about what I'd like it to become, how I will actually get there and if I could actually do it. I spend a lot of time Googling different work outs, body types and celebs and their routines. I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, how I should change it, what I should be doing, what I need to do instead.

Then I look in the mirror, like really look into my own eyes in the mirror and think, "who am I? What am I doing here? Who am I doing this for?"

Source.

When I look in the mirror, I see my tired eyes, bags slowly getting bigger and less likely to be covered with MAC concealer. I see ridiculous hair, ends laying past my chest, frizzy in places and starting to get piece-y as it does before it start to dredd. I see my arms, not muscular by any means (ha), covered in light blonde hair. I'm thankful for blonde body hair.  I see the waist line of my tight leggings. I try not to think that they're to tight. I try to stay positive.

I stare for longer and see all the imperfections. I sit for longer and think of the people around me. I think about the girls I hang out with here in Toronto. They're petite, wearing heels only brings them to my shoulders. I think about my friends back home. About Joanna, who will pretty much always be someone in my life that I compare myself to (not in a negative way). About my other girlfriends, who I don't look like.

And I think, is it really that bad?? I'm not a typical girl. I have come to terms with the fact that I'll never be 5'6" and a size 4. I can be a size 8, I did it last year, but it's unrealistic for me to keep. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself, with my body mostly. I want to walk by a mirror and think, I look nice. I want to not spend half my day comparing myself to the girl next to me, who's half my size. I want to be confident.

So how do I go from thinking about my weight, my body and how it's not 'enough' to be confident and happy with myself. How do I do it?

I don't know but I hope to get there.