Then I look in the mirror, like really look into my own eyes in the mirror and think, "who am I? What am I doing here? Who am I doing this for?"
When I look in the mirror, I see my tired eyes, bags slowly getting bigger and less likely to be covered with MAC concealer. I see ridiculous hair, ends laying past my chest, frizzy in places and starting to get piece-y as it does before it start to dredd. I see my arms, not muscular by any means (ha), covered in light blonde hair. I'm thankful for blonde body hair. I see the waist line of my tight leggings. I try not to think that they're to tight. I try to stay positive.
I stare for longer and see all the imperfections. I sit for longer and think of the people around me. I think about the girls I hang out with here in Toronto. They're petite, wearing heels only brings them to my shoulders. I think about my friends back home. About Joanna, who will pretty much always be someone in my life that I compare myself to (not in a negative way). About my other girlfriends, who I don't look like.
And I think, is it really that bad?? I'm not a typical girl. I have come to terms with the fact that I'll never be 5'6" and a size 4. I can be a size 8, I did it last year, but it's unrealistic for me to keep. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself, with my body mostly. I want to walk by a mirror and think, I look nice. I want to not spend half my day comparing myself to the girl next to me, who's half my size. I want to be confident.
So how do I go from thinking about my weight, my body and how it's not 'enough' to be confident and happy with myself. How do I do it?
I don't know but I hope to get there.