You know when you've been through something traumatic and you start to get over those feelings. Then out of the blue, something brings those emotions right back up and you're suddenly swimming with your feelings again?
That just happened.
I just watched a group of tight friends having to say a rushed good bye to their friend who's moving away for good. They came rushing out of class to give her big hugs and they all burst into tears. I was full unaware of what was happening and why there was a gaggle of half crying teenagers in my lobby.
Then the father said their friend was moving away. For good.
It literally took all my might not to collasp in a heap of tears and throw my arms around these girls I don't know. I felt ever little pang, twinge, tear and guilt that I did when I moved away. I felt every emotion that I pushed away. Every hug I pulled away from. Every good bye I shyed away from.
See, for a person who says a lot of them, I'm horrific with good byes. I can't do it. They make me so uncomfortable with them. I'd rather blow it off and tell you over the phone. It's ridiculous.
The morning my family took me to the airport as I started my journey away from home, I smiled and hugged and said I'd be fine. Everyone handed me envelopes, letter they had written to me. I was told to read them on the plane.
But I didn't. I remember taking them out of my purse and holding them on my lap. They sat there the whole plane ride and I put them back in my purse at the end. It took me a good two weeks to read those. Then I ended up bawling.
I only read those letter once. I know exactly where they are, I just haven't read them more then once. I very much dislike the pain I feel when I think of all the loved ones I left behind. I know I'll make new friends and develop a new 'family' to not replace my family but to substitute while I'm away. It just takes time and during that time, I can't seem to bring myself to move on yet.