I Get Knocked Down

Recently, I've fallen into the "Just Moved Here Blues." This is similar to the "I've-been-here-2-months-and-am-still-unemployed Blues," the "I've-been-doing-this-basically-3-years-now-you'd-think-it-gets-easier-Blues," and the infamous "I've-been-here-10-months-and-now-I-have-to-start-thinking-about-moving-Blues." All in all, I feel like I'm in this perpetual state of Blue-hood.

But then I sit and talk my life out loud and...it sounds pretty fucking awesome, if I don't say so myself. I move to different, exciting and occasionally exotic locations (I count Toronto as being exotic). I get to try a new job each year, meet new people, explore new areas, see all new things. It sounds fucking righteous, right? But it's hard. And I can't decide if I'm making it harder then it's suppose to be.

Is it my lack of motivation? Is it the fact that finding a job fucking sucks? Is it the fact that I'm alone all day while Jake's at work? Who's making me be alone? Is it me? Do I really need someone to hand me everything on a platter to make it easier? When will be find the inner motivation or drive to try to make myself happier?

Or the more simple approach: what the fuck am I doing?

It's when I get like this that it begins to take a noticeable toll on my relationship. I feel like I'm a fucking cat that someone's try to force into a carrier. Does that sound ridiculous? Because it feels ridiculous. But my thing is is that I can't figure out how to get myself out of the box, out of the forceful hands, out of this predicament. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to go on this leg of my journey, so why can't I accept it for what it's worth? Why can't I seem to accept what I actively chose to do?

I feel like now is a good time to interject that Jacob is possibly the best. most loving person I could ever want to be with. Everything he does, he does with me in mind. He is amazing.

So why am I being so selfish?
Why can't I just take control of my life like I know I can and I know I want to?