Monday, July 29, 2013

Week 6.

Week 6.

Time has started to blend together. I don't know when one day ends and another begins. I try having a routine, but nothing seems to stick. Wake up, breakfast, putter around, make lunch, clean up, shower, laundry, cleaning, Internet, TV, reading. Rinse repeat.

Today, I'm waiting for some news. I feel upside-down, however, as the sky matches the curtains and blends together, bringing the outside in and the inside out. I am searching for something to organize, to finish, to feel productive. I'm searching for a reason to not be frustrated. Today, I'm waiting for some news: did I get the job?

Thinking about going back to work is a weird thought. The last time I went to work was June 18. The last time I went to work and actually had something to really do was May 31. You know when you get really ill and spend anywhere from a few days in bed to a few weeks? Then you have to walk up stairs for the first time, lungs burning, legs weak and wobbly? That's how I feel about working. I think I'm going to have wobbly-work legs. I feel the need to attack the stair-master now.

I think starting work would be really great at this point in time. I'm coming to the end of my rope. I'm really, really done having no income and being about to contribute to my relationship as well as purchase things that I want/need (new running shoes are at the top of my list).

I'm approaching my 25th birthday and I think it would be really great if I was able say that I have a good career by then. I have a lot of goals for the next year and having a good starter career is at the top of my list. With the move next year already looming in my brain (I know, I haven't even moved into my new apartment and I'm already thinking about next year!), I want to be prepared for finding a job next year.

So in order to feel productive and proactive in my life, I have a good list of things to accomplish today:

1. Print off and plan our week in paleo meals.
2. Apply for loan deferment (again)
3. Refold everything in our suitcases (hopefully so we'll be ready to go when we get to move in!)
4. Load some boxes in the car.
5. If I don't get the job and don't have to go fill out paperwork, then I think I'll head to the library!
6. Read some more of Insurgent (I am LOVING it!)
7. Update my blog, maybe write a few more posts.

I've missed it here, having somewhere to write and vent and construct my thoughts. I think I'll be around more often :)

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

25 before 25

There are 12 days until my 25th birthday. Holy Swiss f-ing cheese, Batman. Where did my life go?!

I've been reading a lot of "25 before 25" blogs lately, trying to be inspired by what some people have accomplished before they turned 25. I started getting disheartened because I haven't accomplished those things, or those types of things. But I have done some pretty righteous things in my 25 years. I thought, as a tribute selfishly to myself, I would share some things that I've done in my life that I think are pretty cool, as well as a few things that I want to accomplish before I'm 30:

1. Had a leading role in a play.

2. Before I'm 30: I want to pay off my student loans.

3. Got accepted to college and even graduated! (Even after changing majors halfway through!)

4. Moved away from home, out of my comfort zone, to experience life somewhere else. (Actually a few places, Connecticut, Toronto, Arkansas!)

5. Before I'm 30: I want to figure out my career path.

6. Volunteered with middle schoolers, teaching them how to have healthy relationships...which was the hardest 6 months of my life.

7. Been bungee jumping! Not off a bridge but it still counts because it was terrifying!

8. Learned to cook without looking at a recipe! That was a big one for me...coming from the family that I come from!

9. Before I'm 30: I want to take a road trip across the United States.

10. Lost 20 pounds...maybe haven't kept it off but I did it once!

11. Made it through countless heartbreak, just to be a better person on the other side.

12. Before I'm 30: I want to take a dance class.

13. Seen my favorite musical on stage...three times! I saw Wicked on San Fran when I was 17 (paid for it myself!) then saw it again TWICE in Portland.

14. Been to New York, which has been a lifetime dream of mine.

15. Changed someone's life, whether I like to admit it was through a shitty relationship or not. I seemed to be the catalyst in some gentlemen's lives that helped them get their shit together.

16. Found the love of my life.

17. Before I'm 30: I want to get married.

18. Before I'm 30: I want to travel to Europe.

19. Had an article published for reals. 

20. Lived in a foreign country (Canada...still counts!) 

21. Before I'm 30: I want to save $10,000 (which amounts to saving $5.50 per day for 5 years)

22. Run 5k without stopping. 

23. Before I'm 30: I want to come to terms with my body.

24. Rescued a dog: my baby Chasey, rescued her from a Winco parking lot! 

25. Before I'm 30: I want to learn to sew and make an outfit for myself. 

I think it's a pretty interesting list. I'm up for the challenge! 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

I Get Knocked Down

Recently, I've fallen into the "Just Moved Here Blues." This is similar to the "I've-been-here-2-months-and-am-still-unemployed Blues," the "I've-been-doing-this-basically-3-years-now-you'd-think-it-gets-easier-Blues," and the infamous "I've-been-here-10-months-and-now-I-have-to-start-thinking-about-moving-Blues." All in all, I feel like I'm in this perpetual state of Blue-hood.

But then I sit and talk my life out loud sounds pretty fucking awesome, if I don't say so myself. I move to different, exciting and occasionally exotic locations (I count Toronto as being exotic). I get to try a new job each year, meet new people, explore new areas, see all new things. It sounds fucking righteous, right? But it's hard. And I can't decide if I'm making it harder then it's suppose to be.

Is it my lack of motivation? Is it the fact that finding a job fucking sucks? Is it the fact that I'm alone all day while Jake's at work? Who's making me be alone? Is it me? Do I really need someone to hand me everything on a platter to make it easier? When will be find the inner motivation or drive to try to make myself happier?

Or the more simple approach: what the fuck am I doing?

It's when I get like this that it begins to take a noticeable toll on my relationship. I feel like I'm a fucking cat that someone's try to force into a carrier. Does that sound ridiculous? Because it feels ridiculous. But my thing is is that I can't figure out how to get myself out of the box, out of the forceful hands, out of this predicament. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to go on this leg of my journey, so why can't I accept it for what it's worth? Why can't I seem to accept what I actively chose to do?

I feel like now is a good time to interject that Jacob is possibly the best. most loving person I could ever want to be with. Everything he does, he does with me in mind. He is amazing.

So why am I being so selfish?
Why can't I just take control of my life like I know I can and I know I want to?

Tuesday, July 16, 2013


Looking for a new way to follow all your blogs at once? If you're not on the BlogLovin bandwagon really should be!

Monday, July 15, 2013

Eureka Springs

So I have been in Arkansas about 3 weeks now and am thoroughly enjoying it!! Cute towns, hot weather, nice people. Yesterday we took a spontaneous trip about one hour out to Eureka Springs. It was a super adorable little town, with winding, hairpin turns, cobblestone streets, little shops and boutique restaurants. It was so quaint!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Are You Ready?!

Since we left Vegas and I realized that EDC (Electronic Daisy Carnival) was actually over all I can seem to do is put my headphones in and listen to all the live sets that I experienced and those that I didn't get to see.

I think I'm stuck in some post-festival depression. And being in a new place with no job (yet), no friends (yet) and no car to get away from the hotel room...I find myself in this little world all alone...and I love it!

It's so cool listening to these sets and know I was there! I was in that crowd! I remember the way it felt, the energy, the screaming, the singing, the fireworks, the way the crowd vibrated, the lights, it was the most intense weekend of my life. And I can't wait to go back.

Here are some pictures from professional sites (I can't post mine until we move into the new apartment on July 15th because I can't use my lap top) and here are some of my favorite sets!
Circuit Grounds
Circuit Grounds: This was probably my favorite stage, but the main stage was pretty ridiculous too. It was inside a partial dome, the stage you can see in the very center (yeah, that little ball of light under that centre diamond..). The VIP area (my friends and I had VIP passes) is that raised area off to the left there, wit the white fences. It was awesome, the view was incredible, there were private air conditioned bathrooms and bars too! Way worth it! The best thing about this stage (besides it had the best bathrooms) was that those hanging diamonds...moved. It was incredible to experience! 

Artists I saw here: R3hab, Dirty South, Thomas Gold, Laidback Luke, Arty, (last part of) Krewlla and more
Artists I missed here: Bassjackers, Gareth Emery, Fatboy Slim, Madeon, Wolfgang Gartner, Bingo Players, Clockwork and more.

Kinetic Field, from behind the stage looking into the crowd.

Kinetic Field, Mainstage
Kinetic Field, Mainstage: This was such an epic space. That owl moved and made faces. There were light up creatures surfing through the crowd (you can see an octopus in the crowd). Fire works, flames, lights, the biggest speakers I've ever seen. It was incredible. In the first picture, looking at the crowd, you can see the VIP area in the back, where the white tents are. There is also a VIP ferris wheel which we rode right as Tiesto was going was amazing. The VIP area had it's own entrance, those tents were air conditioned, private bathrooms, bar, great people and the BEST view of the stage. 

Artists I saw here: Dyro, Porter Robinson, Armin van Buuren, Tiesto, Hardwell, Calvin Harris and more
Artists I missed here: Avicii, Zeds Dead, Dada Life, Nicky Romero, Afrojack, Dash Berlin, Above and Beyond, Steve Angelo and more.

Bass Pod
BassPod: This stage played more dubstep/harder stuff, which I enjoy half of the time these days. We saw some great sets here though. There wasn't a VIP area here so we usually staked out to the right in the picture, by the fence. You can't see it in this picture, BUT, this stage used a lot of flames. It was awesome! The bass coming from here was almost heart stopping.

Artists I saw here: Datsik, Mt Eden, Foreign Beggars, Carnage, Terrevita, Flosstradaus (part of), Delta Heavy
Artists I missed here: 12th Planet, Crizzly and more (that I don't know)
Cosmic Meadow
Cosmis Meadow: We didn't spend a lot of time here, a majority of the artists we all wanted to see where at the three first stages. But we did see a few good ones here. This stage was the first thing you saw when you walked down the steps into the Motor Speedway. It was such a great view! This stage didn't have a VIP area either.

Artists I saw here: Knife Party and Kill the Noise
Artists I missed here/wish I saw: Empire of the Sun, Major Lazer, Dog Blood, Boys Noise, Rusko, Araabmusik


BassCon: We didn't see anything here. It wasn't playing the type of music any of us enjoyed long enough to hang out, really heavy bass and drums. But the stage itself was epic looking. I mean, how cool is this stage?!

Neon Garden
Neon Garden: We didn't come here at all either, mostly walked through it. It was the more chill, trance area. It seemed to be the place to find a spot to sit down and relax for a while. It was really pretty inside too.

Overall, it was a incredible three nights. I look back and think "man that's all I saw?!" But you have to count in rest breaks, wandering around, rides, bathrooms, and just plain walking to and from stages. There were so, so many people! Everywhere you looked there were people dancing and laughing and taking pictures. It was awesome. Watching the sun come up every morning was amazing. 

If I could spend every night at a place like this, I would.
I would go back in a heart beat.