I Get Knocked Down

Recently, I've fallen into the "Just Moved Here Blues." This is similar to the "I've-been-here-2-months-and-am-still-unemployed Blues," the "I've-been-doing-this-basically-3-years-now-you'd-think-it-gets-easier-Blues," and the infamous "I've-been-here-10-months-and-now-I-have-to-start-thinking-about-moving-Blues." All in all, I feel like I'm in this perpetual state of Blue-hood.

But then I sit and talk my life out loud and...it sounds pretty fucking awesome, if I don't say so myself. I move to different, exciting and occasionally exotic locations (I count Toronto as being exotic). I get to try a new job each year, meet new people, explore new areas, see all new things. It sounds fucking righteous, right? But it's hard. And I can't decide if I'm making it harder then it's suppose to be.

Is it my lack of motivation? Is it the fact that finding a job fucking sucks? Is it the fact that I'm alone all day while Jake's at work? Who's making me be alone? Is it me? Do I really need someone to hand me everything on a platter to make it easier? When will be find the inner motivation or drive to try to make myself happier?

Or the more simple approach: what the fuck am I doing?

It's when I get like this that it begins to take a noticeable toll on my relationship. I feel like I'm a fucking cat that someone's try to force into a carrier. Does that sound ridiculous? Because it feels ridiculous. But my thing is is that I can't figure out how to get myself out of the box, out of the forceful hands, out of this predicament. I knew what I was getting into when I decided to go on this leg of my journey, so why can't I accept it for what it's worth? Why can't I seem to accept what I actively chose to do?

I feel like now is a good time to interject that Jacob is possibly the best. most loving person I could ever want to be with. Everything he does, he does with me in mind. He is amazing.

So why am I being so selfish?
Why can't I just take control of my life like I know I can and I know I want to?

Still Counting Down.

If you knew anything about me, you'd know I love a good countdown.

6 days

15 hours

45 minutes

until...

6 days

22 hours

45 minutes

until...

11 days

23 hours

13 minutes

until...

And just for fun...

Closing Time.

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."

On June 20th I'll be moving from the place I've called my home for the past year. Unfortunately, I got way more attached to this place then I did to Connecticut. I found people that made me feel comfortable, welcome and even for a little while, home. 

It's been really hard to think about moving this past week. It has been the last week of classes at Annex Dance Academy (where I work and have spent a majority of my time) and I'm really sad to be leaving these people. All my co-workers and my bosses have been so great and I love them dearly. All the kids will have a special place in my heart, even if they don't remember me in 3 years. They made me feel at home somewhere where I have no family.

So here's a photo-explosion of photos of all the things I'm going to miss.

King Street. My street.

Dufflet desserts. Seriously the best thing ever.
Next to Grandma's :)

Having public transportation...

Walking to work on Saturday mornings and enjoying
the beautiful buildings.

This skyline.

The views.

Toronto is covered in amazing urban art. Unlike
anything I've ever seen.

Snowy winters.

The beer. I actually grew accustom. 

Riding the subway on a hot day with a Booster Juice!

All the good times we had together in Toronto.

This bed.

The food in Toronto is fantastic.

Oh French people.

Seriously the best indoor market ever.
EVER.

My dance girls.

This chatterbox. 

My tiny but cute condo.

This place.

Selfies with some cool gals.

The munchkins at work. 

Trips.

Outings with my favorite coworkers and dancers.

My subway stop.

I will NOT miss the traffic after concerts or sports games.
Or in this pictures case, Justin Bieber.

These girls (along with my coworkers) made this year
a lot more fun that I had planned.



Thank you, Annex Dance and Toronto, for making the past year one of my all time favorite years. It was the closest I've ever felt to home since I left.
I'll miss you but I'll visit :)

I am the Mist.

I know it's been a reoccurring post here on my ol' bloggy, but it's a reoccurring theme in my life as of late. The constant battle to feel comfortable.

This past weekend I was sitting in the back row at a theater watching the dancers from ADA, the studio I work for, compete in their first competition of the year. I sat there for a good hour, just by myself. I didn't mind, I really enjoying dancing, especially young dancers because I think they have so much potential and it's refreshing to see young people dedicated and putting their whole life into something. 

After a while, I realized something. As long as I sit here, nobody will know I'm here. The people shuffling in and out of the theater, they'd look at me but nobody knew me, nobody really knew I was there. To them, I'm a stranger, they don't care. But then again, to this entire city, I'm a stranger. I'm stuck in this stranger's skin.

Courtesy of Jartweb.

The day before this moment, a co-worker turned to me and laughed. She said that if she didn't have to be at the competition, she wouldn't be and here I am, voluntarily at the competition being supportive of everyone and enjoying myself. That's when I realized that I'm only a fleeting moment in these peoples' lives. In three years, they won't remember me but forever, this will be a huge part of my life. I will forever remember Toronto in fondness because I found people that made me feel accepted. But, with no negative feelings towards anyone I'm referencing, I'm like a sliver to them: stuck in the shallow folds of their skin but will soon be plucked out and forgotten about. And that made me feel truly like a wallflower (and you know my obsession with The Perks of Being a Wallflower), the word just seems to fit me. 

But it's not all bad. Over the past few years, I've become this observer. I stand off to the sit, occasionally stepping into the circle, but essentially I just observe people. I get to know names and families and personalities. I catch bits and pieces of their lives and form a whole story based on what I observe. In my mind, these people are quite real. They go to school, go to work, have friends and relationships and it's all in my mind. I live in half and half: half imaginary and half reality. If I ever do become a fiction writer, I'll sure have some good material for characters.

Maybe that's just what I'm destined to be: the Observer. Like an official career title, I'll go through life, effecting little and observing a lot. Then, when it's time, I'll document all my stories in a historical fiction kind of way, maybe a memoir (if my life is ever important enough to record). And all my characters will be based upon the people whom I have met along the way and who have changed me, even if they don't know they have or don't care that they have.

It comes this time of year, when I start becoming nostalgic and emotional. It's time to start thinking about moving, it's time to start moving parts of me while other parts want to hold onto what I have here. But the reality is is that it's time to start mentally packing, to start distancing myself and preparing to be in a strange place again. 

I see myself like a mist in the fall. It creeps in, coating everything in a blanket of distortion. Then once the sun comes up, I dissipate. You'll remember me as something that was there for a fleeting moment and now is gone.

Something to Miss.

Oh, Annex.

Last night was the Competitive Showcase for the studio where I work. I started there in September and soon realized just how awesome all these people are. From the students and their families to the teachers and faculty. It's weird to think, but I found a little home away from home. 

As I sit here getting ready to head back into the studio for Saturday classes, I kind of just got sad. I have a little over 4 months left here in Toronto and, after watching all the girls I've gotten accustomed to seeing every day and spending some quality time with the teachers (who I now consider my friends), I realize that I finally feel like I belong somewhere. That's a feel you don't get often when you move every year.

It's not a feeling that I can describe very well. It's like seeing a person you missed very much for the first time in a long time. It's like a relief. It's like sitting down after a really long day. It just feels so nice, that relief, that seeing someone you miss, that finally having people who you feel you belong with. I am very grateful that I have something from this year that I will remember forever and will always have with me. 

Company members getting ready for a half time show.

When I started on this journey, after a rough year in Connecticut, I was afraid that the rest would be the same. That I wouldn't feel like I belonged anywhere other then Oregon. That I wouldn't meet people who liked me or understood me or accepted me like my friends and family in Oregon. I think I was more afraid that I would come away from all of this without any really good connections or memories. But now I have something good to move on with. 

I just hope that in a year, 5 years, maybe 10, that these people who have touched my life, can look back and remember me too. 

I'll miss Toronto, that's for sure.

City Scape.

The rhythmic sway of the streetcar has become soothing. Sitting next to strangers isn't uncomfortable anymore. Only the shrieking and squealing of metal on metal can wake me from the day dream I'm in.  

"Next Stop: Soho Street." The familiar bell tolls for Soho Street and I maneuver around the crowed streetcar to get to the back doors. After coming to a shuddering stop, the doors swing open and it's out into the crisp air I go.

It's day like these in which I love this city. It's a cold day, the sun shining through the clearing clouds and fog. The sounds are tangible. The clacking of heels fades the further away from Queen Street I walk. The bangs, pangs and booms get louder as I approach a construction zone. It's like Toronto is a continuously growing organism. 

Beep-beep-beep of a reversing dump truck cuts through the air, carrying with it dust and crumbling rubble. Whistles blow as a police officer directs traffic around the dump truck. The ground rumbles as the truck pulls away, taking dirt and concrete away. The dust starts to settle, orange vests with orange heads sit along a broken wall, smoking cheap cigarettes and holding dirty coffee mugs. 

The smells of the city are a map all in themselves. City air will never be as delicious as country air, that's a fact, but it is still something to relish in. The smell of people, productivity, growth, changes, hustle and bustle, cars, food, dirt. It's something I look forward to. Cigarette smokes intertwines the city smells, mostly as you pass a coffee shop or a bar or The Second City Training Facility. Occasionally the smell of horse manure is weasels it's way into the fabric of Toronto. They you know the horse cops have been out. The faint smell of hot dogs wafts down King Street. It must be lunch time.

Walking down a city street is like walking to a heat beat. 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. You set a stride for yourself, clearing pot holes, cracks and piles of garbage on Thursday mornings. The patter of other people surrounds you, other people's personal beats help making up your own beat. Unconsciously, I find myself matching other walking beats or walking opposite to create a new beat. Every block or so, the beat changes, like the chorus of a song. As the street is chopped into segments by streetcar tracks the beat changes. One big step, two little. A step slightly left, switching back to the right. One, two, pitter, patter. 

As the wind kicks up, I near my building. Weaving through the lunch traffic while crossing Wellington, a crunch through the gravel spread across the sidewalk. I shrug my scarf closer to my ears and fish my keys out of the bottom of my purse. The honking of angry cab drivers is muted as I enter the lobby, which marble glittering in the afternoon sun. It's strange to call somewhere so fancy home, but I do.

It's weird to think that I really enjoy being somewhere other then Oregon. But I really do. This city feels new and fresh and I'm ready to try it on. 

Seeking Friends.

 

 

Over the past few months, I've read some posts about making friends. As a person who moves a lot, I've found I have to make new friends frequently...and I also find it difficult to meet people and make friendly connections when not in a class environment or service inductry career. Another negative contributing factor to my friend-making equasion? I am in a relationship.

 

Love.

dun, dun, DUN!

 

And I guess once you're in a relationship, the only person you seem to be romotely fun, exciting or entertaining to is your significant other.

 

And I'm having a hard time with this.

 

So after a little over a year of failed attempts, hopes given up and these weird friend making websites that closely resemble dating websites, I decided to take a little inspiration from the blog posts I've been reading and find out just how to make friends when you're in a couple.

 

To my dismay, the only articles, blog posts and help forums I can find are for married couples, people over 30 or divorced women. None of which apply to me. Bummer.

 

I'm 24, I'm fun (I really am, I'm not saying that like how your mom says you're talented and we all know she's just saying that casue she's yo mama...ya know? And sorry mom, I know you really do think I'm talented ;) ), I love trying new things, meeting new people and being social. I really like being social. I like everything that Jane Smith over there likes, but I'm in a relationship. This must mean I have a "lame" sticker stuck to my back that I'm unaware of.

 

I think the problem is my age range. Your 20's is the time between being a carefree, experimental teenager and being of age when you try to find someone to settle down with. So where does that put me? Right between 24 and old, married lady. Most of the girls I meet are single and either looking for a boyfriend or enjoying her time to mix and mingle. Weekend agendas could consist of nightly bar prowling to find cute guys, and I guess carting around a girl in a relationship is bad ju-ju.

 

 Another negative aspect about my age range is career development. I am now out of college and giving up my carefree, pre-adult life in the service industry and buckling down to develop my career. I've encountered a lot of girls my age that aren't there yet or aren't ready to make career moves. So not only am I single-dude repellant at the bar, but I'm an old lady because I've been working all week and I don't feel like bar crawling till the wee hours of the morning. I have to work in tomorrow!

 

This is how I feel.

So here is my equasion:

 

Me + boyfriend (Jake) + moving a lot - being in school + attemptive career development - ample free time + awkward 20-something somewhere-between-single-and-married stage = literally no chance in hell I'm making friends.

 

So I've decided that I have two options:

 

1. Give up some of my 'together' time with Jake and play single (obvio not like seek other guys, but drop the 'we' talk, the comfy jeans and flats for 'I,' fitted jeans and those heels I've shoved in the closet somewhere) and spend a few weekends absorbing new girlfriends as the kind of person they need to see me as to be my friend. Then I'll let them in on the secret, shh!

 

2. Suck it up and find a couple friends. We've all seen the episode of How I Met Your Mother when Lilly and Marshall are looking for a couple to hang out with (and if you haven't seen it, GO WATCH IT IT'S HILARIOUS WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!) But why does that sound so lame?

 

When I think of making couple friends to hang out with, I imagine Scrabble, knitting and early to bed. Is there a way to meet other couples that are like me and Jake?

 

Do you have any tips for me as I try to make new friends?

Thanks for the Cache!

I hope everyone had a nice weekend!!! I did, it was actually a really great weekend!! I hung out with people, which is ridiculously exciting as I'm still trying to make friends and can be painfully shy, then got to go for a really long bike ride and ended the weekend with Geocaching! Lets start at the beginning.

On Friday, armed with some extra spending cash from my amazing boyfriend, I headed out into Toronto for the first time by myself! I met up with a girl I know from a Meet Up (a website which is basically a dating website but for friends! Look it up!) and we got together with some of her friends. It was really great for me to get out of the HOUSE. I usually spend all my time in the apartment so I go stir crazy really fast. This pictures is of blue Sangria, which is my new fave drink. It's regular white Sangria but add Blue Craucao for the color. So yummy!

Saturday I bothered Jake till we went to get my bike fixed. My mother has been bugging me to get a helmet so here it is ma! I actually haven't purchased it yet but once I get a job, it's the first on my to do list! We took a 5 hour bike ride that day and it was lovely! Here are some pictures:

View from the boardwalk.

Found these locks locked to a bridge, cute idea!

Bike riding!

The pond near the Butterfly Gardens. 

After our bike ride, it was time for some beers and some dinner! First we hit up a small local place in Etobicoke called the Relax Shack and boy were we out of place! It was so old and small that most of the people in the bar were stuck in the 1970's. But the beers were cold and the music was good. After a couple we headed home.

Then we headed north in Toronto to Yorkville, which is right above the University. We want to explore more of the side neighborhoods because downtown Toronto can get expensive! Then we kind of realized that everywhere in Toronto is expensive! We went a cute pub for dinner where I made friends with Phoebe the Fern! Please excuse my silly face, the flash was bright!

Damn, my hair is LONG!

On Sunday, Jake decided it was time to leave the city. We drove 50 minutes west to Mount Nemo Conservatory to go Geocaching! Geocaching is basically where someone hides a container with a little notebook and a little something (literally can be anything from a cute eraser to a keychain...just a little goodie or souvenir for your travels). Then they register the coordinates to the website and other people set out to find it! Okay, that sounds confusing but it's basically hide and seek. 

We wandered all over the forest with a compass (a handy app I downloaded onto my phone!) to find hidden treasure! I had always heard of Geocaching but never actually tried. It's free and a great adventure and literally everywhere. 

After a good 30 minutes of searching through a 20 foot square of dense forest, we found our first one! It was literally under a boulder! People kept looking at us funny but we were so happy when we found it! We exchanged that cute smilie face ball for some toe warmers! Then we returned it to the same spot and went off to explore and find another one!

Beautiful view!

We heading into this slightly creepy area for the second Geocaching experience. It looked like the ruins to an old quarry. And, alas, after about 30 minutes of searching everywhere and getting led into the middle of nowhere, we gave up. We couldn't find it! Blast!

Top of the ruins.

Looking down from the above picture! Steep.

After this defeat we found one more cache in which I claimed a cute pink parrot button for my own and replaced it with a green sparkly bow tie. Then two for three, we decided to try to find just one more cache before the sun went down.

The cavern was way cool!!

At the end of the day, we were 2 for 4, tired and dirty. Geocaching is my new favorite hobbie. it's free, which I love but it reminds me of being a kid again. Searching for hidden treasure, even though it's nothing valuable, that doesn't matter! If you're looking for something new to do, you should try this. It's great! I'm thinking that maybe I need to hide a cache in each new city that I move to! As my contribution to society!

What'd you do this weekend?? Would you ever try Geocaching?