Something New.

I just made this executive decision that I will start writing again. So I pull open my dusty lap top and try to remember my log in password and finally, finally, open this page. And I can't seem to think of anything to say. This is strange, considering I usually have something to say in any situation. 

So I guess I'll start where I left off.

I started the summer in the sweaty south: Fayetteville, Arkansas. When we moved here, after the mayhem and debauchery that was EDC in Las Vegas. I arrived thinking it was my summer that there was really everything in front of me and nothing would suck. 

[Note: I say "suck" for a reason. Not that Toronto sucked by any means, it was my favorite place I've lived so far. I say suck because I've had hard times adjusting to new places before and I think I anticipate it sucking.]

I really did show up in Fayetteville with a lot more positive energy then I have had in the past. It was nice that we knew some people and that helped ease us into a social scene. After a few excruciating weeks living in a hotel (due to the fact that our relocation company were the worst people at their jobs...I mean truly who goes on vacation and "forgets" to have crates from Toronto and New Haven shipped??) we moved into our new apartment on my 25th birthday. A few days later, I started my new job at a local credit card company working in their legal department. It seemed that things were getting off on a great foot!

As time passes, as you settle into a new life, things start to straighten themselves out. It's not that I am not enjoying myself here in Northwest Arkansas, because I've had worse times elsewhere. It's just that I've come to the conclusion that this isn't the place where I'd want to spend the rest of my life. I miss the looming of big buildings, the hum of traffic, the proximity of things that allows one to walk, the amount of activities at all hours of the day and night. There are nice things about living in the south, there really are. But for me, there aren't enough.

Christmas came and went, New Years followed suite. It was amazing to see my family again, to reconnect with them. I felt more mature this year. I felt like I've come a long way from last year. Then a week in Columbus showed me that everyone is growing up, planning future and getting ready for what happens next. At midnight, we rang in a fresh new year.

Now I'm here, back from vacation, waiting to start work again tomorrow and I'm fighting between feeling really great about everything and having a full blown panic attack. There are a few resolutions that I'm excited about, including eating clean again with paleo. I'm excited to feel good inside and look good outside. It will take some time and work, moving every summer will do that to you. You pack on the pound in a new place, trying new foods, drinking a lot to meet new friends. It all adds up and by the time Christmas rolls around, you're a lot bigger then you planned to be. But I think paleo will be a great decision for me, and for Jacob.

With work, I'm anxious that I'm waisting my time. It's not that the job isn't good, it's a very interesting job with some nice people and it pays my bills. I just always seem to fight between maintaining a good job that will help me be financially stable and doing something that I love. I want to be a creative type, using my mind and talents to make things. But right now I sit in a desk 40 hours a week and end up feelings the worse for it. All that aside, I think I'll stick it out and learn what I can about myself and my abilities. After all, it's not for the rest of my life and I'll probably never see any of these people again. Weird, right?

So on the eve of my 2014, I'm sitting here trying to decide whether to be positive or anxious. I think I've come a long way, too long, to wake up tomorrow afraid of what's going to happen. I think it'll be good. 

I think it'll be good.

Whole30: COMPLETE!

So about 30 days ago, Jake and I launched ourselves into a lifestyle change. I was fed up feeling shitty after eating and over eating and he wanted a new challenge. So we started eating Paleo. 

This past Wednesday, we completed our first 30 days of the challenge! To sum up the experience, I have really enjoyed not only the challenge of the first 30 days but I really like the results!

As a "special treat" in celebration of our first 30 days, Jake and I decided to embark on a food journey through all our old favorite foods. It mainly started because for the past week I've been craving cheese pizza. Every night, we would tell each other what we've been craving lately. So yesterday, we decided to eat whatever we wanted, in secret hopes that it'd make us feel shitty and we won't want them again.

Let me tell you, it totally worked. For lunch, we went to BarHop and had fried pickles and french fries to start. Then I ordered one of my favorites, a Reuben sandwich, with a Cesar salad on the side (I didn't think I was going to be able to do that many fries...). It was all very, very delicious but this was how much of my lunch I was able to eat:

 

Yup, that's it! I managed half of and half of a sandwich and a few big pieces of lettuce. It was so good but almost instantly, I started to feel too full and really, really gross. it didn't help that before lunch Jake wanted to get donuts (Canada, if you didn't know, is pretty famous for Tim Horton's. It's like the Canadian Dunkin Donuts but way, way better. The donuts are absolutely to die for and we wanted one...or two...).

 

After getting our lunches wrapped up to take home, we stopped by Shoppers (Canadian version of Rite Aid) to get some Tums...and Easter Candy (we thought, hey go big or go home). We stumbled home and crashed on the couch, both to take a food-induced nap to help settle our tummy's.

 

The nap didn't help.

 

About 3 hours later, I felt like someone had inserted a beach ball into my body and was slowly blowing it up. Last night I couldn't help thinking, "I can't wait till I get to eat carrots and hard boiled eggs tomorrow."

 

All in all, I'm glad we felt like shit last night. It made me shudder at the leftover box I saw in the fridge this morning as I reached for my orange and hard boiled eggs for breakfast.

 

I don't think I've lost a ton of weight over the past month. I started working out more (about 6 days a week) and am feeling better. I sleep great and I never, ever get that too full, gross feeling after I eat. I'm excited to continue with paleo this next month and work out more. I think after the next 30 days, we'll allow ourselves another cheat day. I'm looking forward to some wings in 30 days!

 

Jake with his tiny beer!

I felt miserable in thsi picture...

 

My first real beer in a long while...so good!

Fried pickles and french fries.




 

 

 

I am the Mist.

I know it's been a reoccurring post here on my ol' bloggy, but it's a reoccurring theme in my life as of late. The constant battle to feel comfortable.

This past weekend I was sitting in the back row at a theater watching the dancers from ADA, the studio I work for, compete in their first competition of the year. I sat there for a good hour, just by myself. I didn't mind, I really enjoying dancing, especially young dancers because I think they have so much potential and it's refreshing to see young people dedicated and putting their whole life into something. 

After a while, I realized something. As long as I sit here, nobody will know I'm here. The people shuffling in and out of the theater, they'd look at me but nobody knew me, nobody really knew I was there. To them, I'm a stranger, they don't care. But then again, to this entire city, I'm a stranger. I'm stuck in this stranger's skin.

Courtesy of Jartweb.

The day before this moment, a co-worker turned to me and laughed. She said that if she didn't have to be at the competition, she wouldn't be and here I am, voluntarily at the competition being supportive of everyone and enjoying myself. That's when I realized that I'm only a fleeting moment in these peoples' lives. In three years, they won't remember me but forever, this will be a huge part of my life. I will forever remember Toronto in fondness because I found people that made me feel accepted. But, with no negative feelings towards anyone I'm referencing, I'm like a sliver to them: stuck in the shallow folds of their skin but will soon be plucked out and forgotten about. And that made me feel truly like a wallflower (and you know my obsession with The Perks of Being a Wallflower), the word just seems to fit me. 

But it's not all bad. Over the past few years, I've become this observer. I stand off to the sit, occasionally stepping into the circle, but essentially I just observe people. I get to know names and families and personalities. I catch bits and pieces of their lives and form a whole story based on what I observe. In my mind, these people are quite real. They go to school, go to work, have friends and relationships and it's all in my mind. I live in half and half: half imaginary and half reality. If I ever do become a fiction writer, I'll sure have some good material for characters.

Maybe that's just what I'm destined to be: the Observer. Like an official career title, I'll go through life, effecting little and observing a lot. Then, when it's time, I'll document all my stories in a historical fiction kind of way, maybe a memoir (if my life is ever important enough to record). And all my characters will be based upon the people whom I have met along the way and who have changed me, even if they don't know they have or don't care that they have.

It comes this time of year, when I start becoming nostalgic and emotional. It's time to start thinking about moving, it's time to start moving parts of me while other parts want to hold onto what I have here. But the reality is is that it's time to start mentally packing, to start distancing myself and preparing to be in a strange place again. 

I see myself like a mist in the fall. It creeps in, coating everything in a blanket of distortion. Then once the sun comes up, I dissipate. You'll remember me as something that was there for a fleeting moment and now is gone.

Mid-Week Stretching.

Oh boy! It's half way through the March break and I'm trying to decide if I've made good use of my time. But according to my white board, I've accomplished a good amount of things.

Paleo apple pie...up soon!

I started 90 Days of Fitness on Monday. I have 100 days until EDC 2013 and my goal it to be comfortable in a swim suit and shorts. I originally gave myself 100 days, none stop but Jake pointed out that sometimes there will be forces outside my control in which I cannot go to the gym. Thus, I gave myself a collective 10 days off. 

We're going on day three and I am the most sore person on the planet. I feel like I'm 90 half the time. But I have high hopes! I think this combined with paleo will be really good for me. I've been feeling good, other then the sore muscles.

But all I've seemed to do this week is cook, go to the gym and blog. In all honesty, however, I've been really enjoying myself. Tomorrow I think I'm going to take some of my older items to a local consignment store for either cash or trade. It's time to let go of my old clothes and look for something better.

So far, it's been a pretty enjoyable week!

Check out my recipe page, From My Kitchen, With Love, for some cool paleo recipes (trying ginger lime shrimp tonight, it'll go up tomorrow if it's any good!) and I also have a new book page where I list the 50 books I want to read this year. I'm open to suggestions!