Just Some Things

Lately I've been feeling like I can't string more then one thought together for long enough to write a whole post about it. But I still want to get all these thoughts and feelings out of my brain so, like some bloggers do "Letter" posts, I'm just going to bullet point like 5 things that I've wanted to write about but can't focus on long enough to finish.

This morning's coffee.

Happy Saturday, btw. 10 days till vacation!!!

1. I've been feeling a lot more socially fulfilled lately, which is ironic because this week I've stopped working at my internship and that was like half of my social time. Then I was sitting at my desk at the studio this morning talking to my director and two of the older dancers and it struck me. I hang out with more people age 10-16 then I do my own age. It's time to start hanging out with people my own age.

2. I realize that I go home in 10 days. That's incredible! I'm so so excited but also a bit sad. That means another year has gone by that I've been creating this other life in which I'm not totally comfortable with. I think I need the little switch in my brain to click so I realize that this is a good thing, that I really do, deep down, love what I'm doing and where I am. I think I'm still clinging to the hope that everything will go back to normal. But I don't want it to, I like traveling and living in interesting places and seeing things and meeting new people. Dear brain, please get it through you!!

3. I've been enjoying running more. I ran for the first time outside yesterday and it was really really hard! But I liked it because I felt like I was making progress because I could see where my run ends and could give it actual distance. I've also spent the past few days looking at pictures of myself in 2011 when I lost a ton of weight. I was so confident and happy. I want that back. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see, not make excuses for what I see.

I have a goal. I'm giving myself till June to get myself back to where I want to be. That's a long time, I know, but I have a vacation planned for Vegas and I want to be able to walk around in shorts and a bikini and feel okay with it. I'm starting now. Wish me luck!

Christmas tree in my building.

4. I've had this whole f-ing fiasco with TMobile to deal with this week and it's actually really stressed me out. Long story short, I got sent to collections A. for an OBSCURE amount of money and B. when I shouldn't have (typical, right?) Since I've been dealing with it I suddenly realize just how my actions impact my life (which sounds ridiculous). Jake pointed out that if I let it go, it'll effect my credit and thus possibly effect any future purchases that rely on credit. Then I had a small panic attack about my future. Man, am I irrational or what? Wish me luck disputing TMobile from not only another country but another time zone! SO fun!

5. On my quest to better myself, I've successfully stopped biting my nails! They aren't very long yet but they're getting there, slowly. This is a HUGE deal for me. I've been biting my nails I think since before my nails started even forming (ew)! It's a nervous tick I think. But I decided that I was nice hands for Christmas and New Years pictures. Plus, having nice nails always has a way of making me feel more girlie!

What has everyone else been up to? Anything you want to get off your chest? I'm all ears!

Locked Out of Heaven

It's Saturday!

Get outta bed, throw some coffee on and dance around in your undies to this!

 



Nike+

Running.

Over the past month or so, I have set a goal to run 3 miles in 30 minutes by December 17th (the date in which I return home to Oregon). I started running a few weeks ago and was doing pretty good, until last week when my energy plumited and I chose to sleep in as much as I could to get through the last week of my hectic schedule.

But now, with 10 days left before I return to Oregon, I only have so long to get my butt into gear and reach my goal! I only have experience running indoors on a tredmill so far but am interested in finding my way into the great outdoors!!

So I'm out gathering information now:
If you are a runner, which do you prefer? Indoors or outdoors? I've heard outdoors is hard but I just get so bored in the gym and it's gets so hot, too!

I also just downloaded Nike+ Running app and am pretty excited to use it! For Christmas, I've asked for new running gear. I'm currently running in oversized t-shirts and yoga pants. I think that if I get some proper running pants and a better sports bra, I'll get more into it. You know, once you put money into something you feel like you have to use it all the time. That's exactly how I am!

On that note, does anyone have any running gear recommendations? I was just going to go ahead and get some Nike gear when I can afford it but if there's a brand out there that I don't know, it'd be nice to hear about it!!

Future.

Since I moved away from home in the summer of 2011, I've been having a really hard time adjusting to life. Adjusting to new places, new people and most of all, starting over all the time. I knew it was going to be difficult, but I never imagined it would be this difficult.

Christmas Joy.

But, I'm glad to report, that it's slowly getting easier. 

Yesterday I finished my first real internship at Post City Magazine. For three months, I was pulling double duty, working at the magazine in the morning then going to work at night. Besides being completely exhausted (so much so for the last week I kept sleeping through my work out alarm!), I actually started to grow more and more excited about the future. 

I've started feeling more confident about myself. Now I know what I am capable of, I feel more confident to head into the world and actually start developing my own career as a writer.

Over the past two weeks or so, I've been e-mailing a friend and former college editor about life. I always looked up to him because he is so talented and someone who's opinion a really trusted.  I asked him what I should do next, where should I go from here, how do I transition from this internship to life. And after a few e-mails, he pointed something out that made me have a light bulb moment. 

I'm having a hard time narrowing down a career because I just have too many ideas. 

At first I considered this a potentially bad thing. But over the past few days, I think I'm going to be okay. I like that I have many idea on what I want to do with my life. I like that I have so many options for my future, as long as I'm proactive with them. 

I'm going to spend the rest of my time here in Toronto participating in internships in different fields, working on narrowing down what I love to do. I'm going to build an sturdy portfolio, gain a lot of experience and go into my next move prepared for the future. 

I'm feeling really good about life right now. Maybe it's the sudden bank of free time. Maybe it's the Christmas mug I'm drinking coffee out of it. Maybe it's the less then two week countdown I have going for Christmas vacation. But maybe I am just, finally, finding myself.

Can I Help You??

Something I would like to know is who invented customer service.

I'm sitting here at my desk, minding my own business and doing my work. I talk politely to people, not because I have to but because it's in my nature. I smile and make jokes because I'm nice. But then in flies Hurricane Bitch over here who decides it's okay to be rude and raise her voice and look down at me (well, she looks down at me because she's standing and I'm sitting but it really adds to the effect of anger!).

I guess there was something wrong with her account that she was pissed off about and decided to some take it out on me. Now this would be all fine and legit if I was the one who caused the problem but I'm not. And let's face it, everyone knows I don't actually make any of the rules or regulations, I just get the wonderful job of enforcing them.

My Life.

After she left, the heat started to leave my cheeks and my heart stopped racing. And as I sat here, letting the waves calm if you will, I started thinking about customer service. Who in the hell invented that position? In many cases, people who work customers service are normal, nice people who face the same trials and tribulations as everyone else but because they answer phones, greet you at a table, answer your questions and are generally the face of many businesses and corporations, they get treated like shit. But why is that?

Let's be real: I'm a nice person. I like making people smile. I like helping people out. Generally, I get off on making someone else happy (sorry for being vulgar, it just fit). So why should I sit here, when I do my job and I do my job well, just to be yelled at by someone who isn't happy about something that has nothing to do with me? Because somehow, customer service has developed to be this way over time.

When I started waitressing, I started thinking more and more about how I treat customer service type people. When I have to call about a bill or am taking an item back to the store or have to talk to people in general really, I think about how I would feel to be yelled at. It's not very fun, actually. I understand that sometimes you do get a bitch for a server or that the person at T Mobile really is an idiot but do your karma a favor, go into the situation thinking about someone else's feelings for a change, it may help you out in the future.

That or try being a waitress for a while. Either you'll start seeing the other side of it or your heart will freeze over and you'll join the ranks of the rude, inconsiderate bitch army that populate most of the world.

If you couldn't tell, I feel strongly about this issue. But I'm being serious. Just be nice to people, it makes you smile more, it makes other people smile more, it makes the world a better place, people.

Bookcase.

While I think technology is ruining the world, I'm still holding onto books. I refuse to admit that there is anything better then lovely thick pieces of paper, printed with ink and bound together. I love everything about books, especially old books. I love the smell of old books.

Amazing.

I was having a conversation today with a coworker about books. I don't think I will ever succumb to a Kindle or iPad for reading. I don't think I could do that. I need to hold the book. I love to dog ear the pages and crack the spines. Searching for where you left off is part of the magic of reading! If it's a book I particularly love, I'll even highlight passages I like. You can't do that with a Kindle.

When I grow up and have a house of my own, I want a large bookcase. Preferably, I'd have a library with shelves and shelves and shelves, plenty of room to store my babies.

I like to think I have a solid collection of books for my age, but I can't wait to expand it. I have a very extensive cook book collection, thank you to my wonderful grandmother who usually includes at least one cook book at each gift giving event. And I welcome them all with open arms. I think I've tried at least once recipe from each book, except maybe the fine French cuisine but it's on my to do list! I actually miss them, my cook books. I used to go to them for everything but now that they're in storage, I have to refer to the Internet *shudder*.

But I'm constantly having this inner battle with myself about the library. I loved the library when I was a kid. It allowed me access to any book I could literally think of and I read a lot when I was a kid. But now, like, I want a library card but I don't see the point, since I'm a book whore...er...hoarder, I don't want to rent the book, read it, then buy it. I want to straight up buy it. Luckily, however, I am the book buyer that actually rereads books! I think if I didn't then I'd have a problem but I have some books that I've read three or four times! That's the best part about owning books, honestly.

I hope that books stay around forever. As my internship ends, I plan on treating myself to some new books. Well, technically old books. There's a store here called The Monkey's Paw that I want to visit. It's a used book store but it has some really strange books. They also have a book vending machine. That's right. You'll just have to wait to see pictures!

Things I Now Know About Myself

For someone who is usually semi reluctant to change, I find myself at a cross roads more often then not these days. Something in my life is always a-changin’.

Next week, my internship at Post City Magazines is over. I’m having a lot of mixed feelings on the topic. As my first real experience with a publication, I think it was a pretty successful one. Not only have I been able to grow my portfolio like I wanted, but I’ve learned a lot about writing, working at a publication and myself.

Writing: When I left college, I was convinced that news writing wasn’t for me, that I wanted to write long, witty, flowery stories and spend weeks and week working on one piece. While I think a part of me still feels this way, I think I want to try out news writing again. After spending a few months of food writing and writing reviews and trying to be witty everyday, I think I need to try straight forward news. While I enjoy painting a picture and developing a story, like in creative writing, I’m no good at it when I have to talk about a subject.

Working at a publication: Jake and I have almost always butt heads about working environments. When we lived in Toronto, he created this really cool desk/office area so us in our bedroom. He spent more time there then I did, honestly, so I didn’t make any fuss over how it would be, but I learned something crazy about myself. I need creative clutter. I have to have a space that is comfy, with pictures and color and noise (both audible and visual). Jake needs to have everything in order, clean, organized and quiet. This was just reaffirmed with me when I started at the magazine. Nothing against the office, but it was too quite for me. I felt like I couldn’t work right in that environment. Eventually, I did get used to it, actually. But I still had to at least listen to music all day.

Myself: I think I learned the most about myself during the process. I learned that I hate mornings without coffee even more when I actually have work to do. I learned that I like coming up with story ideas, even though I rarely shared any, it was fun to see what I came up with compared to what other writers came up with. I learned that I work best while chewing gum and multitasking (meaning I usually have 4 or more tabs open on the Internet browser and am constantly reading, reading,reading). I learned that every hour or so, I need to take a short break, get some water and have a quick chat with either someone around me or someone online.

 

You learn a lot about yourself when you’re put into a situation that you’re usually not familiar with. I’ve never worked in an office environment before, so it was interesting realizing the different things I’m okay with and what I’m not okay with. I def wouldn’t trade this experience for anything in the book, for a first internship it went really well. I’m excited to move forward, to try out new things and to see where else I can go.

 

But in all honesty, I’m excited to sleep the F in from now on!   

Weekly Weigh In: Dead Bodies

Okay so it's been actually a long time since I've done a Weekly Weigh In but I saw this and needed to share it. 

I was on the treadmill this morning and I read the following headline on the little text bar that runs across the bottom of the screen. I almost fell off the treadmill:

Russian Woman Keeps Hold of Dead Husband's Body with 5 Children for 3 Years.

Say whaaaa?!

Weekend at Bernie's anyway??

It turns out the woman, noted to be a devout Pentecostal Christian, was so upset after her husband died three years ago (of natural causes) that she kept the body in a bed in her apartment. She was certain he “was bound to resurrect.” The very short article ends saying that the women asked her children to talk to the body and feed it. Two of her kids finally decided to get rid of it when they were moving to a new apartment. 

I mean, what that?! 

Honestly, there's nothing to really weigh in on, I just think this lady is nuts!!! The article also states that she's had mental issues before. I'm sorry but unless your children are brainwashed or really young, wouldn't they realize that this ain't healthy?? Also, didn't it ever smell bad?? Did she wash him too?!

But I will ask this question: do you think this woman's religion played into her crazy or was she just plain, ol' crazy?? 

City Scape.

The rhythmic sway of the streetcar has become soothing. Sitting next to strangers isn't uncomfortable anymore. Only the shrieking and squealing of metal on metal can wake me from the day dream I'm in.  

"Next Stop: Soho Street." The familiar bell tolls for Soho Street and I maneuver around the crowed streetcar to get to the back doors. After coming to a shuddering stop, the doors swing open and it's out into the crisp air I go.

It's day like these in which I love this city. It's a cold day, the sun shining through the clearing clouds and fog. The sounds are tangible. The clacking of heels fades the further away from Queen Street I walk. The bangs, pangs and booms get louder as I approach a construction zone. It's like Toronto is a continuously growing organism. 

Beep-beep-beep of a reversing dump truck cuts through the air, carrying with it dust and crumbling rubble. Whistles blow as a police officer directs traffic around the dump truck. The ground rumbles as the truck pulls away, taking dirt and concrete away. The dust starts to settle, orange vests with orange heads sit along a broken wall, smoking cheap cigarettes and holding dirty coffee mugs. 

The smells of the city are a map all in themselves. City air will never be as delicious as country air, that's a fact, but it is still something to relish in. The smell of people, productivity, growth, changes, hustle and bustle, cars, food, dirt. It's something I look forward to. Cigarette smokes intertwines the city smells, mostly as you pass a coffee shop or a bar or The Second City Training Facility. Occasionally the smell of horse manure is weasels it's way into the fabric of Toronto. They you know the horse cops have been out. The faint smell of hot dogs wafts down King Street. It must be lunch time.

Walking down a city street is like walking to a heat beat. 1, 2, 1, 2, 1, 2. You set a stride for yourself, clearing pot holes, cracks and piles of garbage on Thursday mornings. The patter of other people surrounds you, other people's personal beats help making up your own beat. Unconsciously, I find myself matching other walking beats or walking opposite to create a new beat. Every block or so, the beat changes, like the chorus of a song. As the street is chopped into segments by streetcar tracks the beat changes. One big step, two little. A step slightly left, switching back to the right. One, two, pitter, patter. 

As the wind kicks up, I near my building. Weaving through the lunch traffic while crossing Wellington, a crunch through the gravel spread across the sidewalk. I shrug my scarf closer to my ears and fish my keys out of the bottom of my purse. The honking of angry cab drivers is muted as I enter the lobby, which marble glittering in the afternoon sun. It's strange to call somewhere so fancy home, but I do.

It's weird to think that I really enjoy being somewhere other then Oregon. But I really do. This city feels new and fresh and I'm ready to try it on. 

Soup for the Soul.

Some days, you just need a soul lifter. To do something that makes your soul smile and warm up. Lately, I've been feeling like I've put my soul on the middle freezer shelf, where it's been sitting for a few days, cooling and slowing reaching closer to freezing.

Okay, that sounds a bit drastic but you get the picture. 

Lately, I've been feeling this overwhelming sense of being stuck. I'm in limbo, almost through it. I've been working 4 doubles a week for almost 2 months now, and while that doesn't sound like a long time, boy I can tell you it is. 

This morning, I got to review a new bacon shop. It's a sandwich shop dedicated to bacon and I have been pretty excited about this. But it wasn't the free coffee and bacon that made me feel good. 

Not what I'm drinking today,
but I got my first Peppermint Mocha
over the weekend. Heaven.
Let the holiday's begin! 

Instead of getting up at 5:30, I slept till 7. Instead of rushing at the gym and having to chose between running only or running a little less and squeezing in some leg and arm work, I got to do it all (and the sun was up, whaaa?!) Instead of rushing my breakfast I took my time, and made a grocery list, too! I took a long shower and had time to do my hair. I got to watch the morning news, which I enjoy, and did some light reading. By the time I was leaving the house, I felt more like a person and not a drone.  

Now I'm sitting in a coffee shop, writing this, eating my free bacon sandwich and contemplating what life will be like when I don't have to get up early anymore. I think today was good for my soul.

It's funny how something so simple can make you feel so much better. 

What things make you feel better when you're feeling over worked, upset or just plain tired?

The Dirty Life.

Currently, I'm reading The Dirty Life. It's a story about a woman who suddenly finds herself uprooting everything she has been her whole life, falling in love with a rustic farmer and starting a farm from scratch with him.

Now, I've found myself, more often then not, totally relating to her, the situations she finds herself in and the path she chooses to take. I'm not exactly on a path like hers, I'm actually following that path in an arcing fashion.

Source.

I was raised more on a farm then not (meaning I did farm-esque chores and had more of a farm life then any other kid I was friends with. I know how to clean out animal pens, identify types of chickens by their egg color and clip wings while I don't know how to play Super Mario, I couldn't name more then two cartoon shows and I wouldn't be able to name all the charms in Lucky Charms). Some of the stories the author tells remind me of times on my parents land, the ridiculous things I've done in the name of 'farming' and what I plan to do with my life.

As much as I've tried to fight the farmers life, it's buried deep inside my soul. I have come to terms with the fact that I will spend the rest of my life somewhere within the vicinity of farming. Lucky girl I am, in my attempts to push myself further into urban life, I've found myself smack dab in the middle of a (really good) relationship with a guy who, at some point, wants to join the over-all wearing, straw hat totin', hoin' kind.

Fresh from my parents garden.

But I must say, reading this book has made me miss Oregon. I was walking to work this morning and I had some crazy deja vu about walking down the garden at my parents house, the familiar crunchy-squelch of the wet, muddy grass covered in half frozen leaves. The dogs running on ahead, occasionally barking at a squirrel who thought it was safe to exit the apple tree. I thought about opening the chicken coop, shooing squawking hens off the nests and carefully putting warm eggs in a tub. 

As I sit here, remembering the feel of the air, the smell of the grass and the sounds surrounding me, I can also imagine the scoffing my parents just be doing right now. It's hard growing up doing different things then all your friends. Of course, when I was 12 the last thing I wanted to do on a Saturday morning was clean out the rabbit run, shovel chicken crap or help stack wood, but as I'm getting older and moving to all these different, mostly more urban places, I miss those days.

The garden after my sister's wedding.

Maybe it's the time of year, with winter coming and the holidays close behind. I think I miss the warmth of the wood stove in my parents' kitchen, the smell of baking bread, the familiar puddles of warmth in bed as the hot water bottle heats the covers. I miss the tinkling of the front gate bell and the twinkle of the lights from the house shining through the holly tree out front. I miss my dog, Chasey, sleeping on her strangely over-stuffed yet too small for her dog bed and the silky soft cat who I swear will probably never die sneaking into the kitchen unnoticed by the dog to curl up on the chair by the wood stove.

It's so weird the things you miss as you get older.

With Your Head Down.

Over the past few and a bit, I enjoy my walks. Whether it was walking to work in New Haven or walking to the subway now, I enjoy moving at a slower pace. It gives me more time to look around and take things in. I've also noticed that it allows me to observe more of my surroundings and get to know where I am better.

It wasn't until the other day, however, that I noticed a trend.

When I'm walking somewhere new, down a new street or taking a new way to work, or even on a stroll with Jake, I'm always looking up. I like to look at things around me and people around me as best I can. But the occasions where I'm walking somewhere familiar, I walk with my head down. And not just looking down. I've noticed that I walk with my head hanging down.

After a little reading on the subject, I've learned that my head down means I have self confidence issues and don't want to be looked at. Interestingly enough, both of those are true. While I'm slowly getting more comfortable with myself and accepting me for who I am, I still face self confidence issues and no, I don't really like to be looked at.

Another article says that walking with you hands in your pockets could mean you are unhappy with how you look and, combined with your head downs, means you're unhappy. I walk like this frequently. I put my hands in my pockets because it's cold, or so I thought. Could this mean that subconsciously I'm more unhappy that I know?

Today, I was walking down the long hallway at work back to my desk and I noticed that I was passing people and 99% of the time I have my head down. I started making the conscious effort to have my head up, smile and look at people more. I'm such a social being. I thrive on being social and having friends. Has the past year and a bit or moving a lot and being in places where I don't know people turned me into a recluse?

How do you walk? What do you think it says about you??

Craigslist.

I'm going to be real right now. One of my favorite activities in college was to browse Craigslist with my pals, looking for hilarious ads or ridiculous missed connections. Let me just tell you, the things we saw could make a harlett blush!

Craigslist.

Seriously though, if you've never paroosed Craigslist in a state of boredom then you don't know what you're missing! 

My favorite section is called "The Best of Craigslist." This is where people submit the most ridiculous things they find for all to see. Sometime, when I need a good laugh, I'll look through here. Today, I found this gem:

Can we borrow your dog? - mw4mw

Hi So

We bought some bacon and some coffee this morning but due to being drunk we seem to have misplaced it.

We are 90-93% sure it's in our house somewhere. But where? We seriously have no idea. It's driving us nuts. We just want to drink some coffee and eat some freaking bacon. If you have a dog that likes smelling and finding bacon we would love to have him over. We will even feed you bacon once it's found. PleAse help


EDIT: it was in our couch. this took several hours and moments of hard thought. We still love dogs and welcome you and yours.

[I find this hilarious because I too have asked to borrow someones dog before! Granted, it wasn't for this purpose (I wanted to go to the dog park but had no dog and thought people would think me strange if I turned up with no dog...).

It's also funny because who hasn't had a moment of completely stupidity and misplaced something, whether or not in a sober state, and found it in a completely random spot hours, days or weeks later?! I know I have.]

This one also caught my eye:

Name my fish

I have a fish. Pretty good lookin fish if you ask me. Best looking one in Wal-Mart. Got drunk and thought hey! Fish sounds like a good idea. Bad idea. So now I'm stuck with a fish.
I have no desire to give it a name. But I feel like this fish is now my friend. Weird situation to be in. (not sexual).
I need a name for this fish. She lives a pretty interesting life (pictured).

Whoever offers me the most money will receive the privilege of naming my fish.
I'll post updates of the offers here at the end of everyday.

 HERE'S WHAT YOU GET IN RETURN!!!
-weekly updates in my fish's life every Monday.
-she lives a very interesting life.
-the fish's dead corpse when it dies.
-or a video of it's viking funeral.
-If you don't know what a viking funeral is, look at this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MjcsFPiQq94
-It'll go down something like that. (except live music... maybe a keg. Of course you'll be invited)

THIS AMAZING OPPORTUNITY ENDS AT THE END OF THE MONTH!!! September 30, 2012 at 5:00 p.m.

If you have any inquires, please hesitate to ask. Its a fish. Not very much to it.

Serious bidders only. This Wal- Mart fish means a lot to me. And by a lot I mean very little.
Poor college student with a stupid fish that thoroughly enjoys swimming... but she acts a little fishy sometimes.

Shoot me an email with your offer and live your life vicariously through my fish's life.

[Again, who's never done something stupid like this?! I know I have. I think it's better when you accept it and try to make the best of it!! Hilarious :) ]

Have you ever read stupid Craigslist postings before??

Casual Vacancy.

What I enjoy most about my 2 hour subway commute each day is the free reading time. Time sure does fly when you're nose deep in a good book!

Since I've been in Toronto I've read (or in some cases reread) the following while on the subway:

His Dark Materials

1. His Dark Materials by Philip Pullman: I read these all when I was younger but they have so much to offer older readers. They did make The Golden Compass into a movie but it was so very disappointing. They mixed the whole story up and the ending wasn't the proper ending. I was hoping so much it would be good because I would kill to see The Subtle Knife as a movie. Maybe someday...

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

2. The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo by Stieg Larsson: I loved this book so much! It was amazing! Last night I actually watched the movie (American version) and it was...decent. I want to watch the Swidish version, I feel like that'll be so much better. The story took some getting into but it was awesome. So intricate! I can't wait to have the second and third book! Hmm, Christmas present?!

Casual Vacancy

3. Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling: This book was very different then what I was expecting. Actually, if I'm honest, I wasn't sure what to expect. I picked this up on a whim at Costco one day because I was feeling lost without a book after I finished The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. 

I really liked this book. It wasn't anything near Harry Potter and I'm glad for it. I think it shows her versatilitiy. The story surrounds a small, English community and follows a series of families and various community members after the sudden death of someone in their community. It really shows you just how connected everyone is.

The story was so beautifully painted and even though it's not action packed or has a romantic story or anything, it's never dull. I really enjoyed it and am kind of sad it's over. The ending, however was good, not great. I was a little...dissapointed in the endning, I just don't think it summed up the story very well. But overall, a good read.

Now I'm onto a book my mom bought me for my birthday:

The Dirty Life

This is the story of how Kristin Kimball gave up her journalistic career and moved to the middle of nowhere on a whim with a farmer she fell in love with.

It seems to be a quick read so far, easy to read and get into.

I've really been enjoying the story as well. Multiple times already I've laughed out loud. I don't know how many people can read a story like this an enjoy it, however. Some things I've totally been able to relate to. For example, when Mark (the sexy farmer she falls in love with) goes through a phase and decides that they won't use electricity and instead everything must be done by natural light or candle light. I could see Jake doing something like that. Or when Mark builds a composting toilet in the middle of the living room. I could totally see my parents doing that.

Just little things about farm work I can relate to. Hauling buckets and buckets of water to the animals because the pipes froze. Having to clean out the animals, hauling hay, picking veggies and fruits, collecting the eggs in the morning. Not by any means was the farm a lived on as big as she now is a part of, but it was still, and has become more, a lot of work. I respect my parents for maintaining and building upon their little farm!

In all honesty, this book has developed this little itch inside of me. This little voice says, 'you know someday, you'll have something like this. Someday you'll have animals to tend to, veggies to pick and water to haul.'

HA. If only 12 year old me could hear that.

Have you read anything good lately?

The Subway Diaries: November.

Most mornings, it takes a great effort to stay awake on the subway. The warmth of people heats through my jacket, warming the exposed patches of skin around my ankles and hands. The rocking of the subway brings racing minds to a methodical pace, toing and froing with the rhythm of the tracks.

The air in the car is generally sleepy these days. I believe with the ending of summer and the beginning of cold, dark winter mornings comes the constant state of sleepiness. Perhaps people, like bears, should hibernate. Winter proves to be a most unproductive season.

People cling t the overhanging poles like dried leaves cling to dead branches. All shade of brown, black and gray, as warm winter coats rarely come in bright colors. A bouncy hum wiggles from someones headphones. Newspapers topple to the floor as heads nod off. The darkness of the tunnels soon will match that of the world outside.

It’s November after all. 

Coffee Snob.

I love coffee. I mean,  I look forward to mornings so I can drink coffee. And I proceed to drink it all day a-long.

Saturday coffee at work.

The cool thing about my coffee addiction is that I'm not a picky coffee drinker. I don't have a specific bean blend or roast. I don't drink a specific brand or type. Coffee is coffee is coffee is coffee to me. As blasphemous as it may sound, I almost dislike Starbucks (and I'm from the west coast, I know, I know...) but I do loath Dunkin Donuts more... Anyway, what I'm getting at is that I love coffee but not any particular kind.

But, I am picky about what goes in my coffee. Usually, I enjoy a little sugar, not much. I alternate between white sugar, brown sugar, no sugar and sweetener. I like the different ways the different sugars/sweeteners make it taste. It keeps everything fresh and different.

What I cannot, absolutely c a n n o t do differently any time I have coffee is the change the cream. And when I say cream, I mean cream. The only (coffee whitener, as it's called here in Canada) thing I put in my coffee is either half and half, cream or flavored coffee creamer. Milk? Get that ish away from my coffee. Milk is not meant to be put into coffee. Unless, m a y be  it's whole milk.

There's something about the way milk makes my coffee look (and taste, obvi). I loath the gray color my coffee becomes when *shudder* milk cuts it. Coffee should be a lovely, warm light brown. it should be inviting with it's warmth, not gross and gray. Jake doesn't really like anything in his coffee so he's set with milk. A few drops and some cinnamon is all he needs. But I need more then that.

Milk in coffee is just wrong.

Is there anything you have to have in your coffee? What about anything that you just can't have in your coffee?

Immigration.

Recently, I had an experience that made me think twice about judging people.

I went to the Canadian boarder to apply for my work permit. In order to get my work permit, I have to supply proof that Jake and I are in a common law marriage (which means we've been living together/in a relationship for at least one year). We consulted an immigration company and thought we were prepared.

Source.

As I stood in front of that immigration officer. I felt a lot of weird feelings. He was only a little older then me (that or in really good shape). He kept looking at me in the eyes and I felt like he was staring into my soul. Even though I obviously wasn't doing anything wrong, I felt like I was trying to hide a brick of heroine under my jacket or smuggling kidnapped children in the trunk of my car. He was sitting there, looking at what I could gather of my life on paper and straight up judging me.

It was the strangest sensation, trying to prove you're who you are to a complete stranger. I stood there wondering if I had enough proof that I am who I am and that Jake and I's relationship is the real deal.

In the end, I did not get approved. The officer said there wasn't enough proof. It was oddly devastating.

Part of me wanted to ask him "do I look threatening? What kind of fraud do you think I'm committing here?" But I didn't. I have a bad habit of saying shit like that and getting myself into trouble.

I cried as soon as we got in the car.

Now, a few days later, as I'm thinking about it, I know I got off easily. I think about all the people who are truly going through hard times getting into Canada, America or any other country with heightened security. I think about all the people who are coming over country boarders illegally, who are facing harder tasks then I am.

It put a lot of things into perspective.

Countdown.

It's November and November seems to be a big countdown month for me. And, if you knew me, you'd know that I love a good countdown! I thought I'd share what I'm counting down to!

Source.

1. My Internship is over in 18 days:

Not that I'm overjoyed to be done here at Post City magazines. I've learned a lot and enjoyed my time here. I'm excited that I have a portfolio that has grown immensely and I have made some good connections here. But lets be real, I'm excited to get back to a slightly normal sleeping schedule. 5-6 hours is simply not enough for me! 

2. Christmas Vacation in 40 days:

In 40 days, Jake and I fly back to Oregon for 10 days!! I'm so excited to see family and friends and celebrate Christmas. If you knew me, you'd know I love Christmas like a junkie loves smack! (I just wanted to say "junkie" and "smack." I don't get a lot of opportunities in real life.) 

3. New Years in Columbus:

I started going to Columbus for Jake. He went to college there. But over the past two years and countless trips there, I've really grown attached to it! I vaguely know my way around and have made some pretty good friends along the way. I'm ecstatic to return this year and celebrate the new year with some really cool people! And my boyfriend of course. (Psst, it'll also be Jake and my official 2 year anniversary!) 

4. EDC in 225 days:

It started as just an idea but then it grew. I am so pleased that we bought early bird tickets to Electronic Daisy Carnicval for next June! It's a 3 day festival in Las Vegas and over 300,000 people attend. It's going to be wild! I am so pumped. It's been a while since Jake and I took a vacation for just vacation's sake and even though it's 225 days away, I'm already planning some outfits.

 

Starting on the Left Foot.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my body. Thinking about what I'd like it to become, how I will actually get there and if I could actually do it. I spend a lot of time Googling different work outs, body types and celebs and their routines. I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, how I should change it, what I should be doing, what I need to do instead.

Then I look in the mirror, like really look into my own eyes in the mirror and think, "who am I? What am I doing here? Who am I doing this for?"

Source.

When I look in the mirror, I see my tired eyes, bags slowly getting bigger and less likely to be covered with MAC concealer. I see ridiculous hair, ends laying past my chest, frizzy in places and starting to get piece-y as it does before it start to dredd. I see my arms, not muscular by any means (ha), covered in light blonde hair. I'm thankful for blonde body hair.  I see the waist line of my tight leggings. I try not to think that they're to tight. I try to stay positive.

I stare for longer and see all the imperfections. I sit for longer and think of the people around me. I think about the girls I hang out with here in Toronto. They're petite, wearing heels only brings them to my shoulders. I think about my friends back home. About Joanna, who will pretty much always be someone in my life that I compare myself to (not in a negative way). About my other girlfriends, who I don't look like.

And I think, is it really that bad?? I'm not a typical girl. I have come to terms with the fact that I'll never be 5'6" and a size 4. I can be a size 8, I did it last year, but it's unrealistic for me to keep. I just want to be happy. I want to be happy with myself, with my body mostly. I want to walk by a mirror and think, I look nice. I want to not spend half my day comparing myself to the girl next to me, who's half my size. I want to be confident.

So how do I go from thinking about my weight, my body and how it's not 'enough' to be confident and happy with myself. How do I do it?

I don't know but I hope to get there.

Congratulations, America, you did the right thing.

There's something exciting about watching a country decide it's future. There's something about participating in it as well. I'm 24 and this is my second election. I'm proud to say I voted Obama and will support him no matter what happens. 

I never before got into politics as much as I did this year. Yes, I voted Obama in 2008 and yes, I voted Obama mainly because I was raised liberal and have liberal family and friends. While I knew it was the right choice, I couldn't tell you my point of view on any of the issues. I don't even think I could even tell you any of the issues. So this year, as the early months passed, I made a point to educate myself.

It all started with rape. It did, it really did. I woke up one morning to find Todd Akin all over my Facebook and Twitter feed. I remember thinking, 'is this a joke? is this guy joking?' But he wasn't. Then I started reading. And the more I read, the more horrified I became. Funny how educating yourself can be horrifying at the same time.

I have vowed something to myself over the past few months. I vowed that I will be politically engaged in the future. Where I live, I will read up on the local issues, I will understand how the community around me flows, I will keep up on national and even international events. I want to take an educated and positive stance on my future.

On that note, I would like to say congratulations to my fellow Americans. It was really a close race. I was quite nervous at time, I must say. Being in Canada, where the election wasn't the the most important thing on the news, it was interesting talking with people about it and getting a completely different view. I feel like I'm more in tune with how I feel about my country now.

We will move forward, not backwards. We recognize that things change and cannot thrive staying the same. 

Why I choose 4 more years.

I choose 4 more years because I want my country to move forward,

not backward.

I choose 4 more years because I want my country to change and grow,

not stay in a 1950's time warp.

I choose 4 more years because I am a woman,

and I deserve to choose what I do with my body.

I choose 4 more years because I, too, want a better future,

not just for me, but for my children.

I choose 4 more years because I don't know we are the best country in the world,

but I know we can be.

I choose 4 more years because I thought for myself, I educated myself on the issues 

and made my own decision.

I choose 4 more years because I know it's the right thing to do.

Projection.

You know when you've been through something traumatic and you start to get over those feelings. Then out of the blue, something brings those emotions right back up and you're suddenly swimming with your feelings again?

That just happened.

I just watched a group of tight friends having to say a rushed good bye to their friend who's moving away for good. They came rushing out of class to give her big hugs and they all burst into tears. I was full unaware of what was happening and why there was a gaggle of half crying teenagers in my lobby.

Then the father said their friend was moving away. For good.

It literally took all my might not to collasp in a heap of tears and throw my arms around these girls I don't know. I felt ever little pang, twinge, tear and guilt that I did when I moved away. I felt every emotion that I pushed away. Every hug I pulled away from. Every good bye I shyed away from.

See, for a person who says a lot of them, I'm horrific with good byes. I can't do it. They make me so uncomfortable with them. I'd rather blow it off and tell you over the phone. It's ridiculous.

The morning my family took me to the airport as I started my journey away from home, I smiled and hugged and said I'd be fine. Everyone handed me envelopes, letter they had written to me. I was told to read them on the plane.

But I didn't. I remember taking them out of my purse and holding them on my lap. They sat there the whole plane ride and I put them back in my purse at the end. It took me a good two weeks to read those. Then I ended up bawling.

I only read those letter once. I know exactly where they are, I just haven't read them more then once. I very much dislike the pain I feel when I think of all the loved ones I left behind. I know I'll make new friends and develop a new 'family' to not replace my family but to substitute while I'm away. It just takes time and during that time, I can't seem to bring myself to move on yet.

Saturday Drink: Coffee Nudge.

It's officially November. It's officially c o l d. Do you know what this means, you guys?

 

It's time to graduate to hot alcoholic beverages.

 

While I'm at work right now and cannot endulge, I was thinking about alcoholic coffee beverages. There are a lot out there! My favorite cocktail website gave me a great recipe for a Coffee Nudge. And, boy, does it sound delicious!

 

Coffee Nudge:

3/4 oz dark creme de cacao

3/4 oz coffee liqueur

1/2 oz brandy

6-8 oz coffee

Whipped Cream

 

Combine all ingredients together. Top with whipped cream.

 

I could totally go for one of these right now. I've never really experimented with hot alcohol drinks before. To me, it was always something my parents drank after dinner. But now, as it's getting colder and I'm getting older, they're starting to appeal more.

 

Imagine sipping one of these by the fire (or for me, the fireplace channel on cable) or in the snow while sledding.

 

Do you have a favorite coffee drink??

Illegal Aliens.

I will give you this, Canada. You seem to be one friendly place.

Not as in, everyday life is overly friendly. I do encounter a few rude people now and again, like anywhere else in the world. It's the overall feel of the country that I've noticed.

Source.

Canada seems to pride itself on accepting others. Not in a 'citizens of the world' aspect, but in a you want to live here, then live here, kind of way. The United States, on the other hand, I believe to be a very selfish country. Below are my top three observations on this: 

1. Canadians seem to be okay with the fact that other people want to live here, and they show it: The subway cars are lined with signs advertising immigration lawyers, immigration hot lines and immigration support. There's a sign I always seem to look at that tells you all the reasons why you belong in Canada.

Would you see advertisements like these in the United States? I don't think so. I don't know why, either. Shouldn't we brag about the fact that so many people want to leave their countries to come be with us? If I had to choose between moving to Canada or the United States and I wasn't already from the United States, I probably would choose Canada. Yeah, taxes are high and it's bloody expensive but damn it could be worth it.

Source.

2. People are okay with diversity: I have never lived somewhere where my friend group consists of so many different races and languages. The best part? All of these people are from other places and recently moved here too. 

I am going to be totally honest right now and say that I was a little shocked at first seeing so many Middle Eastern, Asian, Africa, South American, etc people. There have been times when being white has been the minority. I am not racist or anything but growing up in an environment where "the token black kid" was a normal thing (because there wasn't much diversity even though we were open to it) and winding up in a location where roles are reversed was a bit shocking at first.

I'm used to it now and I really love it. It makes conversations a little more then 2 sided. With all the different opinions, backgrounds, languages and beliefs, it makes for some interesting dialogue.

3. The different languages are so prominent: Through the course of my lifetime, I've heard many people say many times "If you live here, learn English!" Yes, most schools require some time spent studying another language but it's mostly, well almost, never practiced outside of those classes and certainly almost never required anywhere else. Comparatively, Americans know nothing about other languages.

During my (so far) short stay here in Canada, oh the languages I've heard! I've heard more languages on a morning subway ride then I think I heard living in Oregon. So many interesting ones too! And I have never heard or seen or read anything derogatory towards those who speak multiple languages. I love the idea of a French immersion school, too. Mainly because I think kids that learn a second (or third or forth) language are so ahead of their game.

The world I'm used to isn't like this. We want uniformity and everyone to be like us. But we don't see the beauty behind the different.